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Originally uploaded by kambricrews

Christian and I are going to a few open houses today to see what’s out there on the market. We love living in Long Island City but a few openings of latin dance clubs later and it’s time to move. And my sidewalk pretty much always looks like it did in this picture I took yesterday. We’re right on the border of Astoria and LIC which is no man’s land. I’m convinced that Precinct #114, Vallone or Gioia don’t really give a hoot about it since there aren’t many residential buildings here and, therefore, not a whole lot of constituents put up a stink. Couple that with the fact that NYers are transient and, well, nobody really calls this their home for long.

We love our apartment but when we met with our accountant then took a gander at what was out there, and we’re practically salivating at the idea of living in a place with central heating and air and a washer and dryer within our home just like Christian’s time travel joke (too long to type). While, I’m not looking forward to wading through the real estate waters of legalese, high pressure salespeople, conflicting opinions about the time to buy, and the like, I am liking the idea of having access to the rooftop again, a gym and a real neighborhood that the other residents value.

—Kambri
So is the time to buy now? Who the hell *really* knows?

>I’ve been booked on another show in May. This time it’s “Tell Your Friends” at Lolita Bar on May 15th. Check out my calendar for details. The lineup is pretty sweet.

Christian and I are going to our friend’s book signing at Barnes & Noble today before he heads back to Ochi’s Lounge with me for “The Family Hour”. I’m reading something new (I’ve said that a bunch already, haven’t I?) and will be taping my set again in hopes of getting some good clips out of it. But I’m always more nervous when he watches me. Ugh.

—Kambri
Yay for Spring weather! Man it’s uplifting!

>Some of you know that Larry Bird, my parakeet who barks like a dog (Paquita, specifically) and does a fierce catcall, is institutionlized. Much like “Brooks” in The Shawshank Redemption, Larry just can’t cope with life on the outside. Then he met Dinah, a pure white little girl with no fear who paces frantically in front of the cage door squawking at me until I let her out to fly in circles and peck on Maybelline’s salt lick. Six months later and Voila! Who sat on my finger today chawing on millett? Mr. Bird. Sans Dinah. On his very own! Just me and him. I never thought it would have happened. I’ve been trying for over SIX years! And, after his treat, I calmly let him back inside where he didn’t scream and fuss in protest at the dirty human hands that had just soiled his feathers.

Speaking of Dinah, she is fairly new to the family which means Paquita hasn’t smelled her butt enough. This means Dinah, upon landing where ever, gets a thorough ass sniffing from the Dog. This perplexes me in so many ways. How does the dog always know where every creature’s butt is? And just what is to be learned from shoving her nose halfway up it? Dinah, dainty little creature that she is, cannot STAND it and promptly ruffles feathers and cleans and cleans until her butt feathers are unsoiled from filthy wet dog nose.

—Kambri
Off to clean my butt feathers.

>This last weekend we enjoyed the park immensely; Forgetting Sarah Marshall not so much. For each thing we liked about it, there were two things we didn’t. It was a mess and I was bummed. But the park was perfect. Sunshine and quiet and loads of space to ourselves followed by dinner at Bistro 33. Just like we planned but better. I then completed Guitar Hero III on my PS3 on medium and am halfway through on hard. I also received my new robe, cami, chemise and briefs from Eberjay. Zowie. Life is good.

In new client news, I and the lovely Ms. Desiree Burch made the Hysterical Festival and Comix become BFFs. (The heart was just like the old lockets but big and made of glitter. It ruled.) The fundraiser show was a bunch of fun and the festival, debuting in October, will not disappoint.

I’m working on Stand Uppity, a comedy tour sponsored by 236.com and featuring Andy Kindler, Marc Maron and Eugene Mirman. The tour lasts the month of May but you can click here for cities and dates. Also, look for an announcement regarding God’s Pottery, they’re the Christian rock duo that recorded their recently released Comedy Central CD at Comix.

Also in May, Christian is headlining four different clubs over four weekends. Check out his calendar for details. I’ll be joining him in Atlanta, so if you’re in that neck o’ the woods come on out to see me, too!

—Kambri
Reading a new piece on The Family Hour at Ochi’s this Thursday!

>We’re treating Paquita to a much needed walk in the park. She has serious Spring Fever! Right now she’s sleeping and doesn’t know her wig is about to be blown back by three little words” “Are you ready?” She goes batsh*t crazy when she hears that question. Or when she sees my flip flops or the striped beach bag. Afterwards we’ll dine outside at Bistro 33, our favorite little spot that moved to a bigger location and just won an reader’s choice award in this issue’s Time Out NY.

—Kambri
Taking my taxes to the park. Fresh air and sunshine will make it less of a chore, right?

>The incident from last February went to court.

BY BARBARA ROSS
DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITER

Thursday, April 17th 2008, 4:00 AM

MADtv comic Aries Spears admitted “high-fiving” a woman’s breast at a Manhattan nightclub – but will stay out of jail if he keeps his hands to himself for the next year.

Spears, 32, pleaded guilty to harassment on Wednesday for hitting the woman in the front row of the Comix comedy club in the Meatpacking District in February.

“You can’t high-five a woman’s breast,” Assistant District Attorney Elizabeth Pederson told Spears on Wednesday.

Manhattan Criminal Court Judge Dena Douglas found the case no laughing matter.

She told Spears that he will face resentencing to 15 days behind bars if he molests another woman in the next 12 months.

Spears, who is known for his impressions of James Brown, Eddie Murphy and Jay-Z, has been a fixture on the Fox comedy show for the past eight seasons.

—Kambri

>I’m so excited about tonight’s “Night of Too Many Stars” that I’ve already gotten dressed. I feel like I did when I was 14 and going to my 9th Grade Banquet except this time I won’t be huffing rush or smoking weed in the back of a van with my friend Kenny beforehand.

Christian is already on location in Boston to film his bit part in a movie so he’ll miss the red carpet/ridiculous after party fun. But there are worse reasons to miss a big event, right?

Tomorrow I’m excited to give a short toast at the Hysterical Festival fundraiser show at Comix featuring Heather Lawless, Mel & El, Bridget Everett from “At Least It’s Pink” and a ton of other ridiculously talented women. Back when I was first envisioning a book or some sort of one person show, my Tex in the City pals Scott, Kevin & Greg all pointed to Bridget as a good example of what to do with a crazy white trash tale. They couldn’t have been more spot on. Anyway, get details and tickets here or look for it in the Latest Ballyhoo coming to your inbox soon if you’re a subscriber.

—Kambri
Okay, back to Guitar Hero on my new PS3!

>Sunday I’ll be going to the Night of Too Many Stars show and the swanky, all star after party. Christian will miss the fun because…….he was just cast for a bit part (under five, I think) opposite of Candace Bergen in a major motion picture! Yay for him! Also, he’s hard at work on a new DVD production set to tape this fall. If you’re in the greater DC area, keep your eyes peeled for details.

Last night’s multimedia presentation I did of Dad’s prison art was okay. I didn’t map it out and just played it by ear so a few things didn’t go right but overall it was interesting and people seemed to dig it. Now I must work on stuff for Liam McEneaney’s “Tell Your Friends” and “SpeakEasy Stories”. I’ve been booked to perform on both in May! Woot!

—Kambri

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Political punchlines

—Kambri

>Tune in to MSNBC tonight from 8:00 – 9:00 PM EST to see my husband, Christian Finnegan, on Countdown with Keith Olbermann. Topic is campaign related but humorous, of course.

—Kambri

>Discount offers and other stuff are all available in the Latest Ballyhoo!

—Kambri

>So Thursday night I read an old piece instead of part four of My Asshole Brother series because the place was packed with people who were at the Family Hour show for the first time. I didn’t want to confuse or alarm them so pulled out a trusty piece about introducing Christian to My Jailed Deaf Dad for the first time. I actually did write part four so at some point I can maybe re-read parts one through three and unveil part four in sequence. Blah, blah….thinking out loud here. The point is, the show is gaining some heat and people come back for it. That’s a great sign.

Also, at the last minute Christian got called away to perform as a fill in on The Indecision Tour with Greg Giraldo so he wasn’t there to see me / make me nervous. I DO want him to come see me again soon, though, because I think he’ll be impressed at how much more confident I am on stage reading new stories. Next week I’m going to show an art gallery of pieces Dad has drawn over the years. Some of them are pretty darn impressive and interesting. I wish he would continue his artistic pursuits but he spends most of his time in the library researching laws for inmate rights and such. There are worse things he could do with his frustrated pent up energy*.

—Kambri
*Like beat up more guards

>David Cross was so great last night on Andres’ show in Ochi’s Lounge. Ochi’s has proven to be nice little workout room for the bigger names and David enjoyed himself. John Oliver is this Tuesday at 9:00 for the re-vamped “Drink at Work” show. But tonight, it’s just little old me reading on “The Family Hour” at 7:30.

I can’t decide if I’m going to try to write something new today or not. I haven’t been much in the mood since our impromptu PA trip, but I guess I have to hop back on the saddle sooner or later. So, you’ll either hear part four of my talking about my asshole/schizo/evil brother or part two of an older thing I’ve only ever read once before. Either way, Christian is coming out to watch me which means I’ll probably suck. I get so nervous in front of him. Silly.

Janeane Garofalo is this weekend. I’ve got some great press lined up for her, too, and she’ll be doing an “Unmasked” taping for XM radio next week as will Lewis Black. More about that in the Latest Ballyhoo coming to your inbox sooner or later.

—Kambri
Probably later.