Post Walden Pond, Christian’s great set at the Regatta Bar in the Charles Hotel and many beers, buffalo wings and chicken fingers, we crashed our pretty little heads on the best fu*king bed and bedding ever created on earth. I tried to stuff the down comforter in my bag, but the lush towels and terry cloth robe were hogging up too much space. Who wants that nasty old comforter anyway? We already used it once; time to move on. So move on we did.
We hustled back down to Boston’s version of Chinatown (whatever…they have no raw meats and/or fish visible anywhere. Even here in Astoria, we hang out skinned goats and rabbits for the world to see. Chinatown, schminatown) and plunked down our $10 US Currency.
For four hours and thirty minutes, I was the girl in junior high I always wanted to be. I was seated in the back seat of the bus where all the cool people sit* with the most popular, cutest boy who could see only the good in me.
We made out for a few minutes then ate apple pie and Coke for breakfast. Then we napped for a while. Then we made out for a few minutes before we played a few rounds of the slapping game. Then I re-told Christian stories about how I once stole a girl’s purse and kissed a nasty old cab driver to save $1 on my cab fare. Then we made out some more. Then we made up stories about Fung Wah, a bus driver afflicted with anal polyps, and Willie Booker T. Washington, the world famous basketball player with no arms. Then we made out and almost had sex on the $10 Chinatown bus. By then we had reached the Bronx, and the bus was bouncing too much; so Christian chickened out, because he didn’t want to have a scandalous report in Page Six right before he goes to Montreal for the biggest annual festival in comedy. I tried to convince him that the only bad press is no press, but he didn’t buy it. So instead I flashed all the truckers with http://www.christianfinnegan.com/ written across my boobies. **
Five hours later, we found ourselves back in Astoria and I was all grown up again. I returned my boss’ voice mail to tell him the name of the restaurant he wanted was not called Chez Glue but rather la Gouloue, unpacked, French kissed my dog and met with my business partners about a very important book launching party that we are hosting. During the meeting, I had cappuccino and French fries for dinner.***
P.S. If you ever have a chance, be sure to check out the lovely Kelly MacFarland. She is one spunky, funny chick. She’d better get her ass to New York soon and bring all her fabulous wooden toys with her.****
*Rosa Parks excluded.
**This is a lie. It actually read: www.christianfinnegan.com/TowerofHubris.htm
***I said I was grown up. That was a lie, too.
****This is not a sexual reference. Wooden sex toys could be problematic, what, with all the splinters and all. Simply put, she is from Maine. They make wooden toys there.
Tonight’s free movie (Thanks, Christian’s one year pass to any Loew’s Theater!) was Identity, an enjoyable, well cast thriller with a moderately clever ending and a few genuine gasp inducing moments. Yep, that’s my kind of movie: free and fun. We are the ultimately cheap couple, let me tell you. We sneak in candy and drinks to a free movie then go have dinner with a free gift certificate. There’s not much that we have paid for in our fledgling relationship, which is good considering neither of us are dripping with cash. Is there such a thing as a Date Registry for future dates he and I would like to take? Hmmm, maybe I’ll just create one. I could be on to something here.
My tub is miserably clogged and Liquid Plumber doesn’t do what it professes. I need to call my Super, but I’d rather shower in ankle deep stagnant water than come face to face with him. Why, oh why, dear God, did Stevie Wonder’s I Wish have to be so fun and funky?
So after last night’s dinner and show (one of the best dates EVER) we came back to Astoria for a beer at Gibney’s and dessert at my place. We were having such a great conversation, we completely missed Christian’s appearance as “Chad” in the “Mad Real World” episode of Chappelle’s Show. It wasn’t until the closing credits when Christian heard a familiar sound that we directed our attention to the television screen. Ah, well, they’ll air it again I’m sure. Meanwhile, read all about him here in Backstage’s “Spotlight On Comedy: Comedy Best Bets 2003 – 10 Standout Stand-Ups Worth Watching.”
Hey, Kambri, where were you when the President declared the end of the war in Iraq?
Why, Yankee Stadium with Christian Finnegan, of course!
In my typical way, I got *free* tickets to the game and quickly called Christian to tell him, “No, we won’t be watching a movie after all. No, we won’t be going to the MoMA for their music video exploration montage after all. Yes, we will be sitting in Yankee Stadium eating $4 hot dogs and drinking $7.75 beer in absolutely perfect weather, so get dressed and be at my place STAT!” What can I say, he follows orders well.
Afterwards, we indulged in some brownie, ice cream, caramel concoction at Serendipity III before heading home to Astoria for a hot make-out session with a very horny Paquita.
I gotta tell ya, dates don’t get better than that.
You Say it’s Your Birthday!Hey check out what I got Christian for his 30th birthday. I swiped some photos and information off the internet and registered and created his very own website. Unfortunately Blogger picked today, April Fool’s Day, to have MAJOR bugs in templates, so I wasn’t able to transfer his Tower of Hubris blog just yet. But when I do, then he’ll be as cool as me and y’all will need to update your links. Yeah, homework for everyone!
Happy birthday, Christian!
I was stuck underground between subway stops due to “heavy smoke” at Lexington Avenue. After an extremely long wait, I started getting nervous and wondered if I would be burned alive or die from smoke inhalation first. All I could think of was:
(1) Poor little Paquita and Larry Bird and Phish home alone for a few days before anyone noticed I was missing and broke into my apartment to save them and loot my things; and
(2) I have the most monumental pile of dirty laundry hidden in my closet that someone would find once the looting began.
I had a friend over the other night who went into my kitchen and said, “Hey, look, you’ve got a quarter on the floor,” then bent down and picked it up. My reply, “Yeah, it’s been there a coupla weeks.”
What’s wrong with me? Am I that lazy, really? Laundry sucks, but come on, I can’t pick a quarter up off the floor? Time to start training Paquita to learn a new trick called: “Take care of the lazy slob that occasionally feeds you.”
Funked up Facts
I learned a disturbing fact from the source of all great knowledge —why, the flip side of a Snapple lid, of course— and thought I’d share it with you:
Snapple’s “Real Fact” #137:
The City of Los Angeles has 3x more automobiles than people.
Get all the “Real Facts” at snapple.com
What the Hell? Those self-indulgent pricks! Something Christian might point out is that Real Fact is in quotes. Is the “Real Fact” not real at all? Perhaps the folks at Snapple are just toying with us East Coasters trying to get us to hate the West Coasters by leading us to believe that they are excessive, grandiose, spoiled snobs. I wonder what their Snapple lids say?
Snapple’s “Real Fact” #2003
New York is responsible for all earthquakes.
Get all the “Real Facts” at snapple.com
Last night was officially a blast. No pig’s blood was dumped on me and I met at least six really excellent people that don’t stink. Turns out I live so close to Bob and Christian, we could have been playing with walkie talkies all this time. Sonofabitch. I’ve already bought some string and tin cans so we can play the telephone game. This is gonna be so much fun!
I woke up after four hours of sleep, showered, found myself to be having the most excellent hair day, met Greg for “breakfast” at the Westway Diner, and…now here’s the kicker…ordered HAM STEAK. Oh yeah! I’m not talking some flimsy piece of flesh hardly good enough for Jame “Buffalo Bill” Gumb they tend to serve here in these parts. Nuh uh. I’m talking 3/4″ thick Virginia ham steak heaven served up right with two eggs over easy, a pile of potatoes and two slices of toast. MMMmmm mmmm! I’m going there every single chance I get. Bless his heart, but a pig’s gotta die.**
**I’m actually an animal lover and was appalled at the senseless killing of the pig in “Carrie”. I do, however, wear leather, suede and fur and eat cow, chicken, fish, lamb, goat, and pig on a regular basis. Turtles, squirrels and ducks only on special occasions.