I came home from a perfect night of friends, holiday spirt, New York quirkiness to find this write up in Backstage for Ballyhoo Promotions’ clients Allison Castillo, Ophira Eisenberg, Christian Finnegan, Sob Stories & Sweet Paprika. That sure is a nice way to end a beautiful night.
My friend Susan had her 6 year old boy in tow. “HILLARY! HILLARY! HILLARY DUFF!” he would shriek
he saw a flash of blonde
Funny. I’m not being sarcastic. It was actually funny.
Tony Bennett was terrific; the homemade hummus and tzatziki from my favorite neighborhood Greek deli, Calista, was gone in about 20 minutes; Jessica Simpson was, well, the same as she always is; Hillary was okay (sorry to break it you kid, you and your little girlfriend have some growing up to do); and that Swarovski tree topper is just a sight to behold despite these pictures not doing it justice.
Moments before the lighting, Sheila & I headed downstairs where I gave my favorite security guard Hector my leftover wine. We then had access to the best view of a tree in New York City as it was being lit.
We took a few snapshots before heading up 5th Avenue to take in the spectacular window display (actually, it’s the whole freaking building) of Saks Fifth Avenue and the always superb window dressings of Bergdorf Goodman’s. While walking along the latter, we came across this amazing Van Cleef & Arpels window dressing:
That’s one dumb thief, eh?
Go to Bergdorf’s, seriously. The displays are exquisite!
Even though we have been dating for nearly two years, Christian met my mom for the first time yesterday evening when she arrived safely from Houston, Texas. He treated us to dinner at The Brick Cafe before we headed in to the City for a gig Christian had at The Slipper Room.
The show was going well enough though one British comedian did call my mom out (“there’s a deaf woman in the house”) when I had to sign to her in sign language what the comedian had just said. Then Christian was called to the stage as the final performer. He did a few minutes before segueing into a bit called “How is This My Fault?” in which he talks about traveling with me, his girlfriend.
“Speaking of my girlfriend, that deaf woman in the audience is her mother. She is in town visiting. She’s actually not totally deaf. She can hear if you YELL AT HER! In fact, Christy–that’s her name–why don’t you come to the stage?”
[Audience applauds and searches the room for “Christy”.]
My mom looks to me with excited, wide eyes and signs, “Does he really want me to go up there?!?!” Her look hints of uncertainty and slight fear that she will be made butt of some terrible joke.
I pull her out of her chair as I sign, “Yes, they’re waiting for you!”
[Christy gets on stage to wild applause. They engage in mild banter.]
“You’re here visting New York. Where are you from?”
[No applause, save for a tepid clap or two.]
“But you voted for John Kerry?” Christian asks.
“Oh yes I did,” Christy replies emphatically.
[Wild applause. Some hooting.]
“You and I have just spent about two hours together, what do you think of your daughter’s boyfriend so far?”
“I think he’s pretty cool.”
“Do you think your daughter and I have a future together?”
She skeptically replies, “Oh I don’t know about that!”
[Huge laughter from everyone but Christian. A few people turn to look at my horrified reaction.]
“Oh, really? Well, maybe you would like her to give you grandchildren?”
She glances my way with raised eyebrows, “Well, yes, but Kambri has always said her career comes first.”
“Well, we have a little surprise for you.”
[My mom’s eyes grow the size of silver dollars as she whips her head in my direction. Audience gasps, shocked & thrilled giggles & laughter fill the room.]
She simultaneously mouths and signs, “You’re pregnant?!”
Christian says, “Were. We aborted it.”
[My mom grabs her forehead in mock shock. Even more shocked & thrilled gasps and giggles fill the room.]
He continues, “On that happy note, why don’t go back and take your seat. Come on everyone, give a round of applause to my mother’s girlfriend!”
The “DJ”, comedian Craig Baldo, chimes in, “Whoops! Mother’s girlfriend?”
Christian responds with his trademark, “Paging Dr. Freud!”
After the show, the comics approached her to compliment her on her “performance”. She said, “I wish I had known he was going to do that, I would have prepared some funny answers!”
[What? Is she a comedian?]
“Oh, no, you did just fine.”
She was up at 7:00 in the morning (?!) on the phone with my stepdad telling him the whole story. Well, actually, she was trying to tell the story but had it all wrong and couldn’t remember most of the important details which meant she had to interrupt the conversation every two seconds to ask, “How did it go again?”
The meatloaf was scrumptious! See:
MMMMmmmm! Damn good!
If this Salon.com article is true, then woah!
UPDATE: Here’s the video. Strange.
There’s Always One.
Today I am participating in Lee’s National Denim Day benefiting the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation.
Yesterday my friend and everyone in her office received an email telling them they could participate (i.e., wear jeans to work today) if they donated $5.00. Seconds later, someone replied all, “Or you could dress like an adult and simple [sic] donate.”
What a dick. There’s nothing that makes me what to participate more than someone balking at the notion of participating. More interesting to me, though, is that this guy must have so much anti-social hate in his heart that he would just flop his dickishness out there for all to measure.
And, let me tell you, it’s huge.
Back in New York and am happy to be home. I went to the final taping of The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn. Christian’s friend, Chris Deluca, is a writer for the show and did a bit in the beginning where he choked on pastry and Craig gave him the heimlich. Then Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, Adam West, Marlee Matlin, Martin Mull and Nikki Zeiring did some stuff and then Christian’s other friend, Julius Sharpe (Goldy on the show) danced with Craig, et. al. and then it was over.
We chatted in the hallway with Chris & Julius awhile and turned down offers of free food & booze in the green room so we could wander the hallways of CBS’s various studios in “Television City”. We ventured down one floor and I cracked open the door — not locked?!?!?! — to find a giant glittery green price tag about the size of my apartment with the words The Price is Right emblazoned on its face.
Had I died? Because this is HEAVEN!
We were THISCLOSE to doing “it” on a giant red and white boat about the size of my apartment named the “S.S. Price”. And by “it”, I mean screwing. I’m not sure if Bob would have been angry or impressed to know that his ship had been christened (yeah, right, like no one else has), but we decided to pick up our stuff from security and dine on Mexican at El Compadre rather than “rock the boat” during our last night in LA. Live mariachi bands and refried beans vs. sex on oversized, sequined prop piece I’ve seen on television since the day I was born. Hmmm…not sure I made the right choice.
I forgot to tell you that I met Jay Maynard, aka “Tron“, in the Jimmy Kimmel Green Room. Although he lives in Minnesota now, he’s originally from Houston, Texas — hence his southern accent — and knew all about Montgomery, Texas, the tiny little town I called home during my youth.
Too tired to write proper.
No, it wasn’t nearly getting banged by a 5’3″ Asian. Good guess, but WRONG! I was chatting with Sob Stories alum Doug Benson of the Marijuanalogues last night and suddenly felt like a complete square. This guy does a show about the glories of weed: smoking and eating and paranoia and so on and so forth. I wear a work wardrobe courtesy of Banana Republic and use an alarm clock regularly. Yet I was determined to make him think he and I were on the same “wave length”, that I was anyone but the kind of girl that only has sex with the lights off while Harry Connick, Jr. croons in the background.
“I grew up with pot smokers, so I know.” Uh, huh, sure…Continue, Kambri…you’re on a roll. I’m fuh-reaky. Wooooooooo! (It’s not true, though…I always have daylight sex and never play Harry Connick, Sr. OR Jr. I even take off my pearls to leave room!)
“Yeah, so I had a horse. Not for riding in competitions or anything. No, he helped keep our acreage tidy and fertilized our lawn and was my transportation to and from the store. So one day my mom was like, ‘What’s the matter with Charlie Brown?’ My brother was like, ‘Oh, fuck,’ and took off running into the woods towards the ‘garden’. Turns out, Charlie Brown had eaten all of the stalks of pot plants… he was stoned, man!”
Doug simply said, “That gives new meaning to the phrase, ‘Get off your high horse.’
My high horse has attitude…I’ll get off when he wants me to.
I forgot to send my imprisoned dad a card this year, and I feel kind of bad about it. But, in my defense, they don’t really make cards that say, “I love you. That doesn’t mean I’m going to impersonate an attorney while illegally taping phone conversations in an effort to gather evidence for your appeal in your attempted murder conviction.”
Yep, that’s what my dad asked of me in his last letter. He timed it just right since I wasn’t sure what to send him. He even wrote, “Will you do and cares me?” (Translation: Do you care for me enough to do what I asked?) Lesson: Steel bars can’t cage the even the weakest passive agression. It is true, a hundred schoolmasters never taught me such things.
I prefer this quote by Anne Sexton, “It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.” That handsome young buck who lived life fast and furiously was a whole lot of fun. Happy Father’s Day to him.
Last year’s gift ideas for the incarcerated dad: Here.
First, happy birthday to Bob. Long time, no see.
My dad’s birthday fast approaches. Let me tell you, there simply are not enough cards for fathers in jail.
I settled on one that said something about how a dad’s love means so much to little girls and big girls, too. That seemed innocuous enough. I mean, he does love me, and that’s gotta count for something, right? How much it really means to me (a big girl, for those in doubt), I don’t know, but Hallmark needs to pick up the ball on this shameful void.
Per his request in his most recent letter, I purchased him 60 weeks of USA Today. He says, “You kow that USA [Today] is best news in the world.” Whatever you say, Dad, your subscription starts tomorrow.
Fun Father Fact: His parting advice to me on first dates,”Don’t fuck.”
Verbatim quote. No lie.
We’re still celebrating. Look, we’re under a horseshoe. This should bode well, yes? How does that lucky charm work? I don’t think it follows the people, after all I got drug by a cab a few hours after this photo was taken.
I digress. So tonight you should join us for Sweet Paprika at the Village Lantern. It’s Ophira’s birthday (I’d link to this very talented and charming Canadian, but she is sans website — see, my use of French when referencing a Canadian? I am very, very clever.), Christian is a surprise guest, it’s only $5.00 and the comedy is superb. So, if you thought you didn’t have anything to do, you thought wrong. Again.
You really should stop thinking that.
We had a great dinner at Mexican Radio — a bit overpriced, but “that’s SoHo for you” — then an even better time at a party in a very lovely Midtown apartment. I didn’t have to worry about a hangover, but even at this age, I still always worry about all the stupid things I must have said. The next morning I usually try to rehash all conversations and wonder at which point did things turn awkward and was it my fault. Probably.
Then I got knocked down and dragged by a cab who refused us service to Astoria. So I worried about that instead.
Alive, but bruised.
Yesterday I received the first note from my incarcerated father since last May. He’s been busy, I guess. It was a Hallmark Christmas card. The front read, “God made all the nights and days and all the world to sing His praise.” The inside read, “The very sweetest song on earth once brought the news of Jesus’ birth – And as we sing His praise today, may you be blessed in every way.”
Then my dad wrote a warm and fuzzy Christmas note in his “deaf speak” handwriting that included this sentence, “I had been [in] solitary confinement four times since April for fighting with n*ggers cause me mad because stealings – all offenders are haters, thief, jealous, etc.”
Don’t you just want to pinch his cheeks he’s just so cute? You know you want him as a prison pen pal for the new year. Don’t lie.
Come on, he did care enough to send the very best!
Christian successfully “made” Watergate Salad and brought it over proudly in a borrowed bowl. I immediately took a big bite and found it to be perfectly delicious. “Good,” he said, “because I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to melt down the marshmallows or, you know, smush them…” What a cutie . . . in fact, so cute I smeared it all over him and added turkey and gravy and had myself a big, giant feast before kicking his butt in Monopoly for the umpteenth time. I’m so very thankful!
Seriously, I can’t think of a more perfect dinner. I’ve never tasted meat that moist and juicy – – and I cooked it. Do you realize how crazy that is?!? Unbelievable. The next day we gnawed on leftovers and it was STILL juicy and moist — THAT’S how good it was. Since you’ll now be taking your meat cooking advice from a pro like me, I’ll give you a meat cooking hint: slow and steady wins the race.
Eat that, Emeril Whatsyourface.
Cooking is easy! Cleaning sucks!
“Belle” for a day, (insert bitter sarcasm here) but a memory to last a lifetime!
Tonight’s the night. I’m gonna pretend to like children and know how to waltz as I play “Belle” to a bunch of little kids who actually believe in that fairy tale shit that Disney sells. I fast forwarded through the movie during my lunch break and learned that Belle’s Papa, as she calls him, was an inventor and therefore considered to be the town nut and that girls who read are considered odd and should find “better things to do with their time.” Nice message there, Walt.
So tonight, as I make my way through what promises to be the two longest hours of my life at the Times Square Toys R’ Us, my turkey is thawing. Yep, you read that right “my turkey”. You know what this means? Christian and I will be getting salmonella after eating my first ever Thanksgiving dinner. I’m actually kind of excited about my attempts and we went grocery shopping together to make it more of a joint venture. He is determined to help prepare something, so I gave him my mother’s “Watergate Salad” recipe and the ingredients. This salad is quite possibly the easiest, cheapest, most trailer trash thing ever, but I’ve had to give him instructions and reassurance several times.
“So I just put it in a bowl and stir?”
“Yes! Just dump everything in. Don’t think about it. Don’t chop or cut anything. Just stir.”
It’s almost as painful as teaching Jack how to copy and paste on the computer. I need to record the instructions for later use. “Open the can, dump the contents, open the box, dump the contents, open the bowl, dump the contents, open the bag, dump the contents. Stir!”
Just dump it in a bowl and stir!
Me: What should I do to make Christmas special. Something only he and I do together?
Gina: Oh, I know, you could go to the neighbors and knock on their doors . . .
Me:. . . and RUN! Yes!
Gina: Noooo, sing Christmas carols.
Me: Oh. Right. Of course. Christmas carols.
Grinchess in the Making
Jack did it again. He made someone so enraged they called him a “Mad Dog with AIDS”. Nice, huh? Later, the finally calmed down man emailed Jack with an “olive branch” with a link to a daily motivator. Little does this person know that sending Jack something like this only gives him more ammunition and desire to cause hate and anger.
Assistant to Mad Dog
Jack and I had a big old fashioned fight today. Names were called and in the end I was right. That’s cool, because I got to walk away in a huff and slam his door loud and hard, so hard it shook Rockefeller Center. A good door slam is an argument orgasm. It’s the grand finale, an explanation point to end all rebuttal sentences, and my lordy what an extremely satisfactory way to end things. Another moment like that and I might start smoking again.
I like to imagine that during this final punctuation mark of mine, there was some sound tech flunkie (a la John Travolta’s character in Brian DePalma’s Blow Out) waiting in the wings trying to capture the perfect door slam to dub in his new movie and yesterday was his coup d’état. His grand triumph; perfect and exhilarating. SLAM!
A few minutes later, Jack and I were just as civil as we ever were. Him talking lewdly of sex with his wife (or the lack thereof) and me oohing and ahhing as though everything he says is spun gold. It is kind of nice to be able to express such immediate frustration in an immediate way then immediately get over it. Especially since I was right.
USDS Champion ’03 and Right.
I don’t get why other people can see great things in me and yet I can’t. My personality mirror must be broken. My own positive self image is a vampire to me. I can’t see the reflection despite everyone seeing its existence.
What’s worse than not seeing the good in yourself? Knowing what you want, but not being able to get it. Watching “Born Rich” made me want to kick Ivanka Trump off her tower and drown that Johnson & Johnson schmuck in a vat of hot baby oil. Give me three of your crappiest designer handbags to sell on Ebay so I can start my own theater space you whiny, self-interested pieces of spoiled diaper waste. It’s intense, this hatred of my present situation and those with trust funds.
So, with my broken personality mirror, I can only write negative things. Aren’t you lucky?
The un-fairest of them all.
My usual dry cleaners is closed for vacation, so I called Christian for another suggestion. That was silly. There are like 1,063 in a two block radius. I found a very clean, new-looking French cleaners directly across from Key Food. I dropped off two sweaters and two shirts and figured I’d stop in Key Food for a few items. Thirty minutes and $45 later, I had bags filled with groceries that I think I might actually eat before they rot. Never mind that they’re mostly non-perishables.
I left two pairs of the daintiest girly shoes with the oldest, gruffest man who will have them ready for me later today for only $10. Normally I would just throw out shoes thinking they aren’t worth the hassle, but I had barely worn these shoes when the little heels wore through from walking on the sidewalks of New York. One pair was worn much before its time because I walked home in them during the blackout. These tiny little stilletos weren’t meant to trudge across a bridge!
I’m so proud of my diligence and responsibility today – dry cleaning, grocery shopping, shoe repairs, vacuuming, and organizing – you’d think Martha Stewart laid eggs in my ear while I was sleeping. Could that be why it hurts? Hmm . . . I think I want to check my stock prices.
Okay, enough. I have more “things” to do. I like doing “things”.
Jack’s China trip is proving exciting and worthwile for him. He called me twice over the weekend to let me know he lost his insulin pen and needed backup fast among other demands. Why he was calling me at 3:00 in the morning is beyond me. He’s at a five star hotel, the concierge gets paid to cater to high maintenance blustery guys like Jack. It was all in control by this morning, he was given needles and drugs galore with no prescription necessary. These Commies sure know how to operate.
It was good to hear his voice though and not from the confines of a dank prison cell. We must have chatted for twenty minutes about the food alone. He made me laugh with tales of his refusal to eat fish lips and the like. In fact, he was calling me from a Mongolian restaurant where they have baby lambs wandering through restaurants. “You pick the one you want, just like lobster! Then they take it in the back and prepare it for you. So fresh!” Followed by, “Baaah Baaah” in the background. Later when giving him a phone number he said, “Give me another pen, this one’s got blood all over it.” I was mortified.
Thankfully it was all a ruse. All those “Baaahs” were courtesy of his new Chinese friends following along in his joke. Say all you want about Jack — how he’s rude, crude, bossy, mean, high maintenance, demanding — but people love him and no one ever forgets him. These new Chinese friends of his have already started inundating his inbox with emails. They will miss him, but not as much as I do. I need a free lunch!
My mid-life crisis all started with a broken heel. As I’m limping along, trying to look as though I belong on 5th Avenue office on which I work, I tried to convince myself that I matter in someone’s life — someone who is not a direct link in the hierarchy of successors in the event of my intestate death.
A chain of events was spurred:
• I limped with the broken heel to the subway. — I cannot afford taxis to and fro on a daily basis.
• Sitting on the subway with my broken heel, I observed all the schlubby working class people headed to the same neighborhood. — I cannot afford to live in Manhattan given my spacial needs and am, therefore, a schlubby working class minion.
• I hobbled home from the subway to a dog and nothing else. No letters or emails, no projects or parties, no calls from the paparazzi. — I have no one to leave my fortune in the event of my testate death. In fact, I could rot for days and days before anyone was the wiser.***
So I bought a new pair of heels.
Okay, Mommy’s better now, so quit calling me “Mommy” and for God’s sake put down that grilled cheese sandwich!
***Okay, Christian might wonder why I didn’t return his calls, but would he bother looking for a corpse? I’m not sure. My mother never calls. It could be months before my maggot ridden body was recovered and by then my stocks could have plummeted, so let’s not count on her. Dad? He’s now confined to a year in solitary, does he need the money for a Johnny Cochran-like defense? Sure, but is he worth it? Only if he keeps sending me nude sketches. Yowzer.
After the longest week of work, I’ve sent Jack off to China. Stay tuned to CNN for any strange international incidents involving an obnoxious American. Trust me, in nine days Jack is bound to cause some newsworthy trouble. I filled numerous prescriptions to ensure he’ll enjoy himself during his meetings with the Ministers of Defense and Energy, et al. and his scheduled “Shanghai Nightlife” and “Forbidden City” trips. While I was at the drugstore, Jack’s pharmacist actually intimated that he was trying to “get rid” of Jack. You know you’ve made some enemies when a man who actually does semi-like you threatens to kill you on occasion.
Meanhwhile, Mommy’s having a mid-life crisis. Now be a big girl (boy) and go fix yourself a grilled cheese sandwich.
I have never encountered more snags and silly stresses in basic travel than when travelling with Christian. He says he’s never had this much trouble except when with me. Are our travel juices mixing to create a disastrous formula? Considering I’ve been to Europe and the BVI’s, all over the US and Mexico and he’s never set foot out of the country, I’m more than happy to blame him. Besides, I wasn’t with him Friday when he had one of his worst airport experiences.
Part of it, though, is that he gets very riled up at the smallest hiccups whereas I tend to just stay silent and think, “Hmm, this sucks, ooh, that coffee smells good. I wish I had coffee. My ass itches. If I lean up against that pole I can scratch it unnoticed, but will that pole leave schmutz on my pants?” You get the idea.
I think the Travel Gods look down on him and think, “Let’s halt all subway service into Manhattan. Can you just picture the fury on his face? MMWWAHAHAHA!”
When they see me, they think, “Aaah, why bother? She’ll just meet a taxi driver willing to drive her to Manhattan in exchange for a Stoli light up pen because he’s already headed to Manhattan, and why should he charge her for a trip he’s going to take with or without her?”
I suggested Finnegan make a sacrifice to the Travel Gods: like buy a Metro Card and give it to a migrant worker. He queried, “But what if I do that and then my travel karma doesn’t change? Can you imagine how pissed I’d be then?!?!”
See. He’s destined for delays. You just have to trust that when you put the goodness out there, it will come back not to smack you but kiss you lightly on the lips and ask, “Mmmm, is that Dentyne Arctic Chill? It is?!?! Then, please accept this first class upgrade. I insist.”
Honestely, though, the MTA can suck my dick.**
**Just kidding, MTA God!
I’ve always been a hard worker and good at mechanical things. I can read maps and directions like no other person with a vagina. I’ve helped build decks, reshingled roofs, painted homes inside and out, built foundations, gardens, sewage lines, wired lights, refinished hardwood floors, I’ve repaired mechanical and constructional failures and assembled many complicated items of furniture alone and with swift ease. So, imagine my shock and dismay at the conversation I had today:
Me: Scott, thank you so much for all that food! You cooked for me? Left a pizza? A bottle of wine?! Wow! And the tub! What on earth did you do to fix it? Did you call the Super?
Scott: No, I just flipped the little switch.
Yep, the little trip lever thing that turns a shower to a tub, he flipped it. That little thing got flipping flipped.
While in Florida, Scott and Brian stayed at my place to babysit my menagerie of Phish, Larry Bird and Paquita. Before leaving, I took great pains to hide my *ahem* Valuables. I wouldn’t risk passing them through an x-ray machine at airport security (“Ma’am, please empty the contents of your bag”) and Christian was not willing to be a Page Six snippet and wouldn’t carry them on my behalf. So, I stashed them as best I could.
I’ve known Scott since I was 15 years old; there is little, if anything, in my drawers life that could shock him. I still, however, found myself compelled to bury my Valuables out of sight. “As long as I survive four more days, my secret is safe,” I thought. There are a few things wrong with that scenario:
• I have never kept my Valuables a secret.
• I’ve talked about my Valuables with Scott at length.
• If I don’t survive the trip, the cat is out of the bag.
My logic is, as long as you can’t picture them, they don’t exist. Plus, I don’t want Scott using them.
I left Scott with a clogged tub and no food in the fridge. I returned to a sparkling, clog-free porcelain tub and more food than I’ve had since . . . umm . . . well . . . never. He even left a bottle of wine. Surely this was a mistake. Didn’t he mean to take it? I can’t believe I was so selfish. Next time, he can have my Valuables. I’ll just buy new ones.
So, there was a deaf British comic on Christian’s Portable Comedy lineup named Steve Day. His appearance is what prompted me to make a whole night out of Friday. I was fully prepared to applaud with my deaf jazz hands and “chat” the night away. Turns out he doesn’t even know sign language. He is 70% deaf since the age of 18 and hasn’t yet learned a single sign. Not one.
So I taught him how to say “fuck” and told him a story that made him laugh heartily. The kind of laugh that makes your eyes close, mouth open, and an embarrassingly loud bellow come from your belly. When I retold the story to a chick that walked up during his guffaw, she stared. Blinked. Smiled. Blinked. Hey, he got it, because he’s 70% deaf.
The story, which does not translate to the written word very well and is, therefore, shortened and dulled as follows:
A boy I consequently broke up with because he blinked too much — hard intense blinks with purpose and annoying frequency — once came to my place to pick me up for a date. My dad, rarely having the opportunity to be fatherly to a girl like me (fabulously and sometimes painfully independent), decided to greet my date and give me advice before I headed out to play video games and air hockey. He shook hands with said boy and glared menacingly before turning to me and signing stern advice which I ignore to this day.
His advice? “Don’t fuck.”
What I told the boy? “He said, “Nice to meet you.'”
And off on our merry way we went.
Christian and I trekked to the Boudoir Bar in Brooklyn for Larry Getlen’s comedy show, Brew-Ha-Ha. Christian’s set went well considering the audience was nearly comatose through the performers that preceded him, save for Joe DeVito and Ray Somethingorother who both reminded everyone it was okay to laugh.
So Christian performed some new material including a joke in which I was the source of humor. As soon as he mentioned “his girlfriend”, my breathing stopped. I was suddenly aware that too many people in the room knew that I was the girl in “his girlfriend”. I wanted to take back all the ridiculous white-man-overbite-dancing-naked-save-for-my-grass-skirt, breaking-bed-frame, taking-other-calls-during-phone-sex moments we’d ever shared. I found myself laughing more loudly than usual punctuated with nervous giggling until it was over and I was certain my reputation was intact: I like AC/DC and sex. Whew!
So, I didn’t stick around for the VMAs. (I did, however, take some photos of the carousel and stuff.) After dodging and darting through an ocean of teeny bopper boys and girls all set to go to college this year on Daddy’s dime, I realized I have no clue who most of the nominees are and don’t care. Frankly, I’m a numb-skull when it comes to music. I’m the same chick whom Sheila corrected at her luau. “I’m a believer!” turned out to be the Go Go’s “Our Lips are Sealed.” SAY WHAT?!?! Sheila was surprised at me, “It’s the Go Go’s! It’s the name of the song!”
Yeah, and they’re singing “I’m a Believer!” What don’t you get?! She’s making this sh*t up!
My ex-boyfriend from four years ago, Mark, who now lives in Orange County, California as though he’s retired (playing golf, biking, hiking…where’s the work, there Mr. Mark?!) insists that I’ve ruined his favorite Who? song forever because now when he hears, “Eminence Front” all he hears is “Lemonade Strut”. As he put it, “I should have pushed you out of the car.”
Finally, my friends in Columbus were mortified when, during an Ohio State pre-football game tailgate, I declared to anyone within earshot that the live band sucked because they didn’t know the lyrics to, “She’s a Freak, OW!” The band had the audacity to sing, “She’s a Brick House.” Whatever.
I finally bought a set of dishes. That’s right, you read it here first. After six months of living with one dish that in its former life served as a candle holder, I am the proud owner of a set of simple, dark red dishes. And a shower curtain. I own a shower curtain now. Still no shower rings, but I’m working on that. Today I might get all crazy and buy some flatware and a bowl or two. It just depends on how exciting these VMAs are.
P.S. Please pardon my delayed posts. I’ve had some publishing problems.
I scored more free Yankees tickets . . . this time versus Baltimore. I rang up my best boy (pictured far right — click for a big pic) and asked him to join me for a last minute adventure to the Bronx. Lucky for me he said yes, and off we were on the 4/5 Uptown Express to watch the Bronx Bombers prevail yet again.
It was quite the perfect baseball game . . . lots of excellent plays, perfect weather and, my food group staple: beer mixed with hot dogs and mustard. Really nothing of importance happened, and I thought how telling that is of New York that so many absurd and wonderfully bizarre things happen so regularly that when I have just an amazing, perfect date it seems unworthy of a journal entry. That somehow if no one took a tumble down a flight of stairs, if I didn’t catch a foul ball with my beer mug or see a homeless guy take a dump in someone’s nachos, that I might as well have been comatose. That somehow to just simply laugh and talk and hug and have sex in the bleachers while being filmed on the jumbo-tron is equivalent to my sitting on the couch eating an entire can of Salt n’ Vinegar Pringles while watching a Forensic Files marathon. Well, it’s not. It’s messier, and apparently it’s illegal. Who knew?
Luaus are fun. Grass skirts itch the hell out of sunburnt skin, but luaus are fun. Once again, Sheila’s amazing rooftop served as the location and David Bowie and Iman still didn’t come over to join the fun…they just gazed at us longingly…their pretty, rich noses pressed hard against the glass. Losers.
I spent today nursing my skin by hanging out in Central Park, reading, writing, drinking beer, eating hot dogs and nachos and watching Orthodox Jewish kids play softball in full Orthodox Jewish garb on one field and a bunch of rowdy old men play a double-header in full baseball uniforms on another. Team “Butt Spankers” won the first game. I didn’t stick around to see who won the second, especially after seeing one Butt Spanker rip his shirt off and start bumping chests in a show of aggressive foolishness. I wanted to shout to him, “You are middle-aged. This is for fun, remember?!” What kind of example was he setting for the little Jews?
Part of what makes a person mature, the thing that makes them worth knowing, is their ability to admit their mistakes. To say, “Yes, I was wrong. You are right,” is a horse-sized pill to swallow. I want to know people with the capability of swallowing it all, without question, every last drop of their mistake(s).
Last night, I gave my mother what was quite possibly the worst tongue lashing I’ve ever given anyone. She listened and agreed. She was wrong. I was right. My baby is called “Tex in the City”, and until it provides me with the income I am currently afforded by filling Viagra prescriptions and rushing insulin to various chi-chi NY restaurants, well, it’s still in diapers and needs my nurturing. I told her, “Consider it adopted from Korea. It doesn’t carry your DNA, but you have to love it just the same.” Besides, my baby won’t grow up to be a paranoid schizophrenic a$$hole like some people, so she should love it even more.
She also said, “Please don’t tell anyone. I’m ashamed.” Umm, too late.
She’ll be making her third trip to NYC next week. Her first consisted of a Big Apple Tour Bus across the City with NO stops. (They were a-scared.) Her second included the premiere of an award-winning feature film and various touristy stops. Her third, well, I hope it will be the charm. No parties, no premieres, no paparazzi — just possibilities . . . and me, her potty-trained, self-sufficient, fiercely independent baby.
I never get hateful or vindictive on this site about anyone I know personally. First of all, I just am not a hateful person (unless you are under 4 feet tall chasing me through a store asking, “Do he bite?”) and find negative energy to be useless, futile and, more importantly, contagious. You reap what you sow, you get what you give, what comes around goes around, blah, blah, blah.
Mainly, though, I generally just dig everyone. In fact, I find something to love about most everyone so easily, that Christian has queried, “What makes someone special?” We, of course, were talking in the romantic sense and my answer I will save for another day called “Never”.
Instead, let me go against the grain. Why not? I’m really annoyed that I’m now too chicken to go up on my rooftop ever again (even for an innocuous dinner) and that my Super knows too much about the placement of my various freckles, so let me spew my anger on you.
As you know, I threw a party. (No, I won’t talk about it ad nauseum anymore, so ” Silent Friend” of the comment box; just relax your anal glands lest you pop when I poke you with my index finger.) Well, it took six months of planning and hard work and we were all very excited about it. I, naturally, wanted my mother there to share in the fun, especially since Meredith and Greg had their families there and Scott, at the time, was expecting his to be in attendance. She said she couldn’t afford it and didn’t have the time. Okay, understood. Hopefully there will be another, more exciting event that she can make.
Well, what is it? Ten days later? Guess who just left for a two week trip from Texas to Florida then Niagara Falls with a possible stop in NYC to see me? Um, yeah, my mom. The same woman who hasn’t even asked me how the party went even after I emailed her and left several voice mails.
She did call, however, to find out the price of diesel fuel. Wha? About ten minutes of listening to how she was going to be traveling all over the country over two weeks in a travel trailer and also has another trip planned to Washington (the really far away state, not the city), she finally asks if anything is going on with me. Hmm, I just threw a party for the Governor of Texas, but, no, not much is happening really. Same old, same old. Thanks for asking. If my party wore diapers and sh*t itself she would’ve tripped over her ovaries to get here and clean baby bottom, because, as you know, mopping up infant feces is validating.
So now you see why I’m bursting with excitement to tell all you anonymous folks about my mini-successes ? Because no one genetically connected to me even gives a rat’s ass. They’re all old-school deaf people (i.e., don’t read hearing people stuff), in jail, on medication or otherwise too poor and “busy” in the suburbs watching television, mowing lawns in criss-cross patterns and tending to the cows. So you, Silent Friend, you are the best thing to ever happen to me, and I can’t seem to please you, either.
So . . .
this is Kambri Crews, signing off. The pleasure, it seems, has been all mine.
When walking home from work, I do not recommend these shoes.
Unlike the four hour, scary and lonely walk across the 59th Street Bridge on 9/11/01, it took me a mere hour to get home from Midtown and was shared with a friend from work. Quite a different adventure.
Christian and I bumped into each other in Astoria and decided to hang out on a rooftop where it was surprisingly cool. We enjoyed a candlelight dinner of pasta and wine, played cards, and talked of the stars and passing planes and laughed too hard about something silly. In other words, it was just like any other night we share together . . . only hotter.
So when people talk of yesterday it will forever be:
the day Tex in the City made the NY Times for the first time;
the day some guy knocked his head hard into the wooden security sensor at Barnes & Noble trying to check me out;
the day a NY Times fact checker wrote me regarding an item referencing Tex in the City in this Sunday’s edition of the NY Times. (Yeah, the edition that the whole world reads!);
the day of the Blackout of ’03.
We made history!
So, obviously I’m super busy what with planning a book launching party and all. (Tune in tonight at 9:00 to CNN to watch our lovely guest of honor on Larry King Live.) On Friday it dawned on me: I haven’t a thing to wear. So, I went shopping at Bloomingdales and Macys for the first time ever. That’s how much I hate to shop. Top my hatred of shopping with the change of the fashion season and you have one frustrated chick. I found a so-so dress . . . it’s simple, which I love, but it’s cutesy and I fear the color is too dull for photos . . . anyway, I digress.
Whilst shopping I encountered two of the most unruly kids EVER. Let’s call them Motherfu*ker and A$$hole. Motherfu*ker and A$$hole were screaming (no exaggeration) and running full speed (I do not lie) and weaving in and out of unsuspecting shoppers (kill, kill, kill).
Let’s pretend for a moment you are allergic to cats. Well you know how when you’re allergic to cats, cats will then invariably come sit on your lap? Well cats are to you as kids are to me. This is especially true when Paquita accompanies me.
Assuming the above equation is true, you know that they instantly gravitated towards me. Now, generally, I will let kids pet Paquita for two reasons: (1) they’re just kids who want to pet a dog…they’re not having me change their diaper or anything co-dependent like that; and (2) it helps keep Paquita socialized and friendly. Well, not when you’re Motherfu*ker and A$$hole, and certainly not when your mother can’t be spotted. There was no woman within 100 feet that closely resembled these children. What a bit*h she must be. So, I told them, “Go away, I don’t like kids.”
Then they chased me–literally chased me–through the store, while A$$hole kept asking in her three-year-old gibberish nonsense voice, “Do he bite? Do he bite?” She never even waited for an answer. I hate that. If you ask a question, wait for an answer. If you don’t, it means you don’t really want to know the answer. Jerk.
Finally I turned and said in my most sinister teacher voice, “YES, she WILL bite you. Now, I don’t know where your mother is, but I don’t want you near me. GO AWAY!”
In unison, they took one step backwards, did an alarmed take to one another, then bolted. Victory was mine!
I got my hair cut today and Joe wanted to cut it in a short bob. I said, no. I’d like to grow it long again, actually. “Why?” he asked. “Well, I think I’m turning in to that woman. The one that all the kids run from and says is a witch. I give balls back, really I do! And I’ve never hexed anyone, I swear! If I have short hair, then I’m old AND mean. So, let’s go long and blonde.” So in a few months, I’ll be long and blonde haired and yelling at kids, “You want your ball back? Well you can’t have it! Posession is 9/10ths of the law you sh*thead, now get off my stoop!”
God, I can’t wait.
If you are easily repulsed or offended by half naked muscular figures, do not – I repeat – DO NOT click here! (You readers who are supposed to be working right now, it’s safe to open).
Last night I sat reeeeeaaaaaaaallllllllllyyyyy close (I could have licked the third base umpire on the face if I felt so inclined) to the Visitor’s dugout in Yankee Stadium and watched Roger Clemens whoop the tar out of the Texas Rangers. Put a Texan in New York and just watch that Southern hospitality melt away faster than a jackrabbit running from a twister! The nerve! View the pics.
Miss Universe (not the one with the tiara, the one with real duties like dealing with my cosmic destiny) was kind enough to hold back the ominous impending thunderstorm and provide me with nine full innings complete with five homeruns and lots of foul balls that I totally could have caught if only I weren’t wearing a skirt. Otherwise, I definitely would have lunged over seats and knocked over any slow moving child or senior citizen that got in the way of my scoring one of those puppies. See what I mean about that lost Southern hospitality? I’d better take a trip back home and fast!
A big Texas-sized thanks to Keith for the free tickets and lovely company.
I mailed my payoff check for my car via overnight mail. I can’t describe the relief I feel. The burden has been lifted. Ever since I sold it a few weeks ago, I’ve been unstoppable — Task Mistress, Queens, New York. For so long I had been putting of the responsibility and the looming guilt and frustration paralyzed me. I’m $600 a month richer, but loads happier. Hell, look what I did to my kitchen in SIX hours! I never would have done that had my car still been collecting dust; because, if I weren’t doing something proactive to rid myself of it, then I certainly shouldn’t be doing anything.
So now, for the first time since I bought my first car at age 17, I am car(e)-free. I’m living in a City which caters to commuters and my wallet now understands why rents are higher here. It’s a lovely, lovely thing 24-hour, cheap public transportation. Now, if I could only face my Super and have him fix my tub.
It’s a Blog World, After All
Peter, of The Inside of My Head, promises a detailed entry on our small world happenings of today. I’ll be clicking refresh obsessively until I get the full report.
What a boring day. I paid off my only debt (my car), obsessively cleaned my entire apartment, painted my kitchen, installed a new kitchen floor, went to the park, got some sun and read a book. God, I’m bored.
P.S. Comments are desperately solicited on the home improvement link. (Specific questions are bold.)
Things like Hunting for Bambi, the last few pages of a magazine (hell, any magazine front to back), earning $0.75 on a man’s $1.00, it’s enough to make me just give up – throw in the towel – say, “Screw it! It’s a man’s world, and I want a penis!”
Pensively thinking of how it all sucks, I got the sense that this handsome, well-dressed, 30-something man was keeping pace with me as I walked to work. He stayed by my side from 7th to 6th Avenue. Finally, between 6th and 5th Avenue he managed to eek out, “Thank God it’s Friday, huh?” As I instinctively do when someone addresses me, I turned my head to face the speaker. I made no response but rather raised my eyebrows as if to say, “Huh? You talking to me?” He repeated, “I said, ‘Thank God it’s Friday, huh?’” “Yeah,” I smiled, turned my head face front again and kept on walking.
I wasn’t rude, but just lost in my own thought and not interested in faking a conversation with someone I won’t see again. Having failed, he crossed the street, weaving in and out of oncoming traffic just to get away from me.
Then it dawned on me: I don’t want to be a man after all. I don’t want to be so driven by one thing, to always be hunting for Bambi only to have my bullets ricochet and shoot me down over and over again. So, I guess I’ll be keeping my vagina for the time being and the only penis I’ll have won’t be my own. Anyone know of a penis I can borrow?
Post Walden Pond, Christian’s great set at the Regatta Bar in the Charles Hotel and many beers, buffalo wings and chicken fingers, we crashed our pretty little heads on the best fu*king bed and bedding ever created on earth. I tried to stuff the down comforter in my bag, but the lush towels and terry cloth robe were hogging up too much space. Who wants that nasty old comforter anyway? We already used it once; time to move on. So move on we did.
We hustled back down to Boston’s version of Chinatown (whatever…they have no raw meats and/or fish visible anywhere. Even here in Astoria, we hang out skinned goats and rabbits for the world to see. Chinatown, schminatown) and plunked down our $10 US Currency.
For four hours and thirty minutes, I was the girl in junior high I always wanted to be. I was seated in the back seat of the bus where all the cool people sit* with the most popular, cutest boy who could see only the good in me.
We made out for a few minutes then ate apple pie and Coke for breakfast. Then we napped for a while. Then we made out for a few minutes before we played a few rounds of the slapping game. Then I re-told Christian stories about how I once stole a girl’s purse and kissed a nasty old cab driver to save $1 on my cab fare. Then we made out some more. Then we made up stories about Fung Wah, a bus driver afflicted with anal polyps, and Willie Booker T. Washington, the world famous basketball player with no arms. Then we made out and almost had sex on the $10 Chinatown bus. By then we had reached the Bronx, and the bus was bouncing too much; so Christian chickened out, because he didn’t want to have a scandalous report in Page Six right before he goes to Montreal for the biggest annual festival in comedy. I tried to convince him that the only bad press is no press, but he didn’t buy it. So instead I flashed all the truckers with http://www.christianfinnegan.com/ written across my boobies. **
Five hours later, we found ourselves back in Astoria and I was all grown up again. I returned my boss’ voice mail to tell him the name of the restaurant he wanted was not called Chez Glue but rather la Gouloue, unpacked, French kissed my dog and met with my business partners about a very important book launching party that we are hosting. During the meeting, I had cappuccino and French fries for dinner.***
P.S. If you ever have a chance, be sure to check out the lovely Kelly MacFarland. She is one spunky, funny chick. She’d better get her ass to New York soon and bring all her fabulous wooden toys with her.****
*Rosa Parks excluded.
**This is a lie. It actually read: www.christianfinnegan.com/TowerofHubris.htm
***I said I was grown up. That was a lie, too.
****This is not a sexual reference. Wooden sex toys could be problematic, what, with all the splinters and all. Simply put, she is from Maine. They make wooden toys there.
It’s physically painful being away from my computer, and, of course, my little lover Paquita. Here I am back where I belong . . . not really rested, but feeling stress-free.
Monday included a walk around Walden Pond — the Walden Pond — and, other than crowds, cell phones, numerous visitor parking lots all packed full, an ice cream truck and souvenir shop, Walden Pond is just how Thoreau left it. It is lovely and peaceful and woodsy.
To protect Christian’s reputation, I will not post the photo I snapped of him chatting on his cell phone on the very spot where Thoreau’s cabin once stood. (In his defense, he’s a very popular man and was in town on business. The Walden adventure was a spontaneous suggestion and a diversion of his primary purpose.) I will merely tell you, dear reader, how the call was dropped due to poor reception. It seems a cell tower has yet to find it’s way into the woods, unlike the land fill that resides next door. Yes, I said “land fill”. Some urban planning genius, in his basest form of civil disobedience, thought it would be a good spot for the accumulation of massive amounts of waste. Genius, pure genius. He’s on the road to the Presidency, I tell you!
After handing over the keys to my apartment to Bob so she can take care of my mini-zoo (tiny little Phish, wee Larry Bird and the sweetest, smartest petite girl with the big name: Paquita Borgito Borgato Chorizo Jimenez), I met Christian for our mini-vacation to Boston.
It took us four subway transfers to get down to Grand Street in Chinatown, where we paid $10 to board a bus and entrust our precious mini-lives with the mini-driver for four and a half hours. The cynic in me kept waiting for the bus to fill with women carrying live chickens and lots of filthy crying babies. Instead we were surrounded by a mish-mash of people that were, for the most part, like us: bargain-hunters looking for a cheap ride.
Aside from the queeny black guy who dropped the “F” bomb every other word while dripping sweat all over the seats as he searched for his ticket he seemed to have misplaced during the 25 feet trip from the ticket booth and his bus seat and the overweight Asian women who ate a full platter of the smelliest Chinese food in her seat before the bus (and, therefore, ventilation) was turned on, the passengers and the trip was smooth sailing and comfortable.
Mad Libs littered with such classics as:
“Ballet companies are springing up like the Chinese;”
“My hobby is collecting boobies”;
“Remember, the baby gets his warm he sauce around six o’clock”; and . . .
a telephone conversation in which Christian’s dad asked for the definition of camel toe.
I think I’m going to enjoy this trip.
Sheila hosted one of her rooftop parties on her 1200 square foot (#$@%!&*) private roof. This little New York oasis sits on top of a building in Chinatown and is positioned so that both fireworks displays were visible (click the picture below to see a few more photos).
With the radio blaring patriotic music and with the beer, burgers, hot dogs, swimming pool and hammock, I couldn’t help but feel American. Ah, holidays without war: blissfully uneventful.
I tried that whole May/September romance thing once. Not on purpose. It wasn’t like I set out to date a younger guy than me or that the guy had nothing to offer other than taut skin and a fake ID. He was a really smart guy attending the University of Notre Dame and I agreed to go out with him before I knew his age. The thing is, we never made it past first base. Why? One night I offered to cook dinner at my place. Of course that meant he had to drive (this was Ohio, folks, they have Amish people that still live there on purpose). So, he asked his parents if he could borrow their station wagon.
They said no.
End of story.
Today is my birthday (woo!), so last night a few friends and I went to Bowlmor. I got some great gifts — kitchenware, a “Don’t Mess With Jersey” tee (which I’m currently wearing), a forensic science book, Operation, a free dinner coupon, some pretty spring flowers and some great memories. HBO was even kind enough to give me the season premiere of Sex and the City. Isn’t that sweet?
Thank you to all my friends for their generosity and companionship!
I left work early yesterday with a couple of co-workers and went to the NYPD’s Firing Range in the Bronx for a special presentation for Foundation benefactors. The event was complete with the Mounted and K-9 Units, bomb squad demonstrations, beer, wine, burgers, hot dogs, lobster and so much more. I met the head of Homeland Security for New York and watched my boss eat while wearing a bib. (Click on the picture for a complete photo diary.)
I was a bit turned off by the sight (and smell) of my basket of “steamers”, or steamed oysters. That’s when I was given instructions on how to shuck them, clean them, and slather them in butter. Along with these directions came this tidbit from Person Who Shall Remain Nameless: “It’s just like eating pu$$y. They may look gross and hard to figure out but they taste so good.”
He was right.
My mother is a pretty lady. People say she’s classy. She is. She laughs a lot . . . real loud with a big, open mouth that reveals two rows of perfect teeth.
She’s deaf without the aid of two hearing aids, one of which will always be on the fritz or need a battery and ring incessantly. She can talk very clearly. So clearly, in fact, you wouldn’t even know she’s deaf. But ask her to say “Mississippi”, then you’ll know. I think sometimes that embarrasses her, but I love it. I love it when she says “Mississippi”.
My mom is the hardest working woman I know. She used to build helicopters but now works for Halliburton making oil sensors. She was in a Bud commercial during the “For all you do, this Bud’s for you!” advertising phase.
My mom built a helicopter for the NYPD and got a hat from it. My dad used the NYPD hat to try to get out of a traffic ticket. I was with him and acted as his interpreter. My dad told the truth to me, and I interpreted a lie to the cop which was better. We got off. We didn’t need the hat. Now I work for the attorney that represents the NYPD in their precedent-setting licensing efforts and confiscate unlicensed NYPD hats. Funny how things go full circle.
My mom can embarrass me, hate me, like me, anger me, comfort me and love me like no other and today is her birthday. I called her on her cell phone and she’s at the beach again.
I don’t miss that beach, but I miss that beach with her when she’d make homemade sour cream and onion dip, and I’d get scolded by George for double dipping the Ruffles.
When we would finally get back to our trailer in the woods, we’d smell like the ocean for days. Tiny grains of the beach would find their way into my bed and scratch my sunburnt skin as I slept. I would always get too much sun so my mom would rub me down with vinegar to take the chills and blisters away.
We’d talk about our trip. About how my uncle got stung by a jelly fish. About how we got a flat tire on our ’66 Chevy pick up truck. About how my Flintstones flip-flop fell through a rotted slat while riding in the back of that Chevy. About how my dad stopped the truck then and there to run across four lanes of highway traffic to rescue that flip-flop for me because he loved me that much.
What a dumbass.
Seriously. It’s a flip-flop; I’m not worth it, I promise you.
P.S. In the previous entry, I did not mean to imply that toenail clippings have no value. Paquita, for instance, goes wild for toenail clippings. I, however, do not care for them.
Today marks the one year anniversary of this right here blog. Technically, I was “blogging” (God, I hate that word) long before today, but it was more of a calendar of my upcoming performances, events, promotions, etc. without much exploitative exposition. I, however, no longer act, model or promote, so it’s all about me and Tex in the City.
Looking back on my very early entries, I’m so obviously afraid of offending Someone. (Note: “Someone” is defined as a person with a direct genealogical connection to my father.) Since, however, they collectively mean as much to me as my discarded toenail clippings, I have been slowly throwing discretion by the wayside. After all, Daddy Dearest is the blackest of the black sheep of any family and was such long before he was thrown in the clink. (He is nearing completion of the first year of his 20-year jail sentence hosted by the austere Texas Department of Criminal Justice.) I happen to have an exorbitantly large sum of his genetic code pulsing through my system. Love him, love me. Spurn him, spurn me.
So, offend away, I will. So what if they don’t like my potty mouth or party girl lifestyle, I didn’t try to kill anyone, did I? (Scroll down for answer.)
Come on, did you really have to scroll down to know the answer?