We had a lovely visit with Christian’s old high school pal who is working across the street from our apartment at Jim Henson’s Studios while her daughter is at a two-week intensive at the American Ballet. The studios aren’t open to the public so it was a nice little coincidence that she was working so close to our apartment making it easy for us to horn our way into a private tour. We weren’t allowed to take pictures of any of the creatures beyond the entryway (see my photos below) because they’re all disembodied and/or hanging on curtain rods as they’re built or repaired. Gotta keep up the illusion that they’re alive, ya know?
This I learned: Big Bird’s feathers are all individually hand-stitched along the stem (?) to reinforce them and help slow down the decay and prevent breakage. Each and every individual feather. THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS. He’s huge!
It’s not a big warehouse or studio and actually is a quiet little creative space tucked behind an unassuming door on a generic floor of the Standard Motors Building. Everyone is relaxed and happy because, DUH, they work making Sesame Street, Muppets and Fraggle Rock characters among other things, but also because there are no computers. They don’t need them. They’re making stuff with their hands. So nice.
This week has been a very good one for my awesome, funny, talented husband. His new comedy album THE FUN PART debuted on SiriusXM’s comedy channel and is available for streaming or purchase on Netflix, Amazon, and iTunes.
Then, last night he presented his new solo show THE GORGEOUS MOSAIC at the People’s Improv Theater about his 23 years of living in NYC. In this hour show, he talks about awful apartments to the bizarre urban dwellers and hopes to remind us why we came to the concrete jungle and, more importantly, why we stay. It’s really funny but I find it very inspiring and sweet, too.
The New York Times, Time Out New York and Village Voice all selected the solo show as something worth watching in NYC this weekend. Time Out also ran this great joke (pictured right) of Christian’s from his comedy special THE FUN PART.
Finally, check out this Q&A with Christian and The Comic’s Comic. And below are screen grabs from his special and Netflix. Good stuff all around and I’m immensely proud of how prolific he’s been!
Okay, kids, it’s legit! Today is the birthday of my fabulously smart, talented and funny husband’s third comedy special. THE FUN PART by Christian Finnegan was filmed at The Wilbur in his home town of Boston and is now available!
Netflix (video with subtitles):
Amazon (audio only):
iTunes (audio only):
Please retweet/share and give The Fun Part a five star rating on Netflix! And iTunes! And Amazon!
If you’re in the NYC area, come out to celebrate with us this Thursday, Friday and Saturday at The Peoples Improv Theater. He’s performing a mixture of standup and storytelling called THE GORGEOUS MOSAIC. It’s a one hour look back at his 23 years of living in New York City, from a rat-infested apartment to an overly-intimate Asian delivery guy. Half love letter, half cry for help.
THU, APR 17 – SAT, APR 19 @ 9:30PM
The People’s Improv Theater
123 E. 24th St.
New York, NY 10010
www.thepit-nyc.com | 212.563.7488
$12 online, $15 door. General admission. Full bar. No drink minimums. A limited number of tickets are available for only $10 w/the code PITFINNEGAN.
After the show, we’ll hang out and hug and laugh and stuff.
I’m in a really bad mood, but my husband knows just how to pull me out of the spiral. He sent me a link to this! It’s a combination of my loves Neil Patrick Harris & Jason Segel singing “Confrontation” from Les Mis. The only thing that could make this better is if David Lee Roth flew across the stage wearing spandex pants carrying a boom box.*
Bad mood is now on the back burner set to simmer.
*ETA: The How I Met Your Mother series finale included Neil Patrick Harris dressed as David Lee Roth. Head exploded!
The holidays tend to bum me out, and I felt like I hadn’t accomplished much in 2013 and don’t have much to look forward to in 2014. That’s just the silly holiday blues talking. So, to remind myself of the positive plans I have in a nutshell, I’m going to write an entry at the top of each month about the weeks ahead.
For January 2014, I am:
Going to Los Angeles and Cleveland,
Producing & performing my solo show at the The Peoples Improv Theater,
Promoting shows for NYC PodFest,
Seeing a half dozen comedy shows or more,
Performing on a few others,
Celebrating 11 years with Christian Finnegan,
Getting a haircut and going for my tri-annual teeth cleaning.
After I wrote this, we got the mail and received a bunch of screeners from the Screen Actor’s Guild of which Christian is now a member. We’ve never gotten anything like this before so we were very excited to see our mailbox spilling out with such great movies.
I’m sure veterans of the stage and screen don’t get all atwitter for these, but to us it felt like Christmas morning! They arrived just in time for a 10-inch snowfall and bitter cold in NYC and our trip to Los Angeles, so we’ll have plenty to keep us company.
So, yeah, there is a lot to look forward to. Now let’s get this party started!
Christian and I attended a special screening of Prisoners tonight at the Museum of the Moving Image followed by a Q&A with actors Melissa Leo and Jake Gyllenhaal, director Denis Villeneuve, and screenwriter Aaron Guzikowski.
Christian loved the movie. I liked it too, mostly for the stellar performance by Hugh Jackman. I expect some nominations in his future. Jake was charming and Melissa was quirky. Both were funny and I loved their interactions with the director and screenwriter.
I love this museum so, so much and am grateful to have such a unique resource within such a short walk from home. I always wonder what the A-list actors, directors, writers, producers, etc. think when they hear the pitch for a museum Q&A gig in Long Island City. Happily, they say “yes” time and again and I think they leave pleasantly surprised at what a lovely space it is and how generous the audiences are. And I’m certain they enjoy the stellar view of Manhattan on their way back home.
To me, a membership is a no brainer, but I’d highly recommend it for anyone in NYC. If anything, it’s worth a visit and super cheap and yummy happy hour at 5 Napkin Burger or a brewski at Sunswick. But if you do that, you gotta drop me a line so I can join you. :o)
Part way in, my cable box froze & rebooted. Murphy’s Law! From what I saw my dentist will be very angry that I have rebuffed his repeated requests to fix my bottom teeth, I need Botox, my family was upgraded to the suburbs and no one really knows or speaks sign language in the reenactments.
But my cable box came back to life quickly and the rest I saw was really well done. Even if it had been awful, I am grateful for any opportunity to share my story.
Seeing how they edited my interview was very interesting. They condensed it into an average domestic violence case (What? No shed? No trailer? No Deaf Culture commentary? Just a dude who beats and tries to kill women?) and yet still made it compelling.
Of course, personally, my CODA / Deaf experience and my dad’s childhood and our collective isolation and poverty is what fueled my story for my book, so that’s important for me to still tell and get across should I get another chance. And I learned a lesson to make sure to understand the angle the producers are going for, so I can speak to that and they won’t have to edit so much!
My sweet Paquita made a brief posthumous cameo. She is looking longingly at Christian who is lavishing love and kisses on Griswold. Awww.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and thank you again for all the kind words and support!
*The collective outrage of the women posting on Lifetime Movie Network’s Facebook page about the movie network not showing movies is worthy of being a Lifetime movie. If I -and all of you lovely people- didn’t have a life with better things to do, I’d suggest we flood the LMN Facebook page with overflowing praise. Hopefully we’ll still get a movie made and we can tell the whole white trashtastic tale and satisfy all those disgruntled LMN subscribers. So much time on their hands these women! Sad.
But…lo! It is scheduled to air this Sunday, Oct 27 on Lifetime Movie Network (LMN) at 10PM EST and again at 2AM Monday, Oct 28. Since it’s a pilot, it doesn’t even have a logo or show page on Lifetime’s website, but the description and name matches what we filmed.
I’m honestly terrified to watch it because they have re-enactments by non-Deaf people and, well, re-enactments are usually kind of cheesy to begin with. I’m mostly worried about having my story in someone else’s creative, editorial hands. Who knows how they’ll piece together my words and spin it? We shall see this Sunday! And if it’s truly god awful, well, it will make for a fun story to tell on stage.
Highlights from my classic New York week in a nutshell:
— Worked on “The Following” where I cheek-kissed Connie Nielsen about 20 times & ogled Kevin Bacon for 12 hours.
— Ran 7 blocks through crowded streets in Queens & raced up 3 flights of stairs at the Frank Sinatra School of the Arts to vote in the mayoral primary with only 30 seconds to spare before polls closed. It was as intense & stressful as any chase scene in a movie. I should’ve had German techno music playing in the background.
— Finished my Playwriting I class with a 1st draft of my solo show script.
— Got into a screaming match with a cab driver.
This week I’ll work on “The Good Wife”, hang with my protégé after school & accompany Christian Finnegan to his headlining gig in Virginia Beach. No screaming matches allowed.
I’ve tuned in to two episodes of “Here’s the Thing” hosted by Alec Baldwin on NPR and find it immensely listenable. I actually ran a 10K (6.2 miles) yesterday listening to the interview with Lena Dunam. Listening to two people chat thoughtfully might not seem like a good running companion, but I was completely engaged and not aware of the intentional beating I was giving my body.
I was excited to share this new discovery of mine (It’s been around for awhile. I don’t know where I’ve been.), but he’d gotten himself into a little media brouhaha (again). So I held off.
It frustrates me. Alec’s really smart, funny and gives good radio. This constant battle with tabloids reminds me of Sean Penn during the married-to-Madonna-days. The press and papparrazzi have his number and love to push it.
Once, when I was an extra on 30 Rock* there was a little dust up with an assistant. I could share the tidbit here and that’s all it would take for a tabloid to mess with him. Whether he was right or wrong wouldn’t matter. I totally understand (too much!) his righteous anger. I, too, hate seeing bad behavior go unpunished and so I will, often to my own detriment, see it through to the end. I will “win”. There’s more to it than that, of course, which will have to wait for another time.
I hope he’ll work and work and work in spite of it all. I like him. I like what he does.
Meanwhile, here’s the thing: http://www.wnyc.org/shows/heresthething
*Oh, you didn’t see my Emmy-worthy appearance as a champagne swilling campaign donor? Well, let me remind you:
And have her star as me in the movie of my life. Seriously. Everything she said, the faces she made, all of it was so “me”. She nails the same tone I strike in telling my stories and answering questions like, “What was it like living in a shack because my trailer was repo’d?” It sucked. DUH! But make a funny face and laugh and on to the next question. I love her.
Since leaving the 92YTribeca, I haven’t been able to commit to any gigs or new clients because of my book tour and speaking gigs. So, to make a few bucks and get out of the house during the time between tour dates, I’ve worked as an extra (or “background” as some prefer) on a ton of TV shows filming around NYC. I even booked an AARP commercial. I was not the RP, thankyouverymuch. I was a jogger that the RP was checking out. That said, I did get a callback for a menopause relief medicine. See also: definition of “bittersweet”. /ˈbitərˌswēt/
During a meeting with a commercial casting agent I was told I’m “a big girl” & “older”, had a great look that was perfect for soccer mom roles & pharmaceutical companies. It was a weird few minutes of feeling bloated, old and ugly, but hire-able because I’m photogenic and not morbidly obese. I can’t imagine embarking on this journey when I was an insecure 20-something. Now I’m a totally secure 40-something who just needs to lose weight, get Botox and a tan. This feeling is strongest after I see myself onscreen. Blech!
At least it wasn’t me who Wardrobe point to and said “Okay, so you’re my ‘lady of the night’. You look great.” She was *not* a “lady of the night”, simply a bar patron. Oops. Oh, schadenfreude, you make me feel so young!
But I’m having fun, getting paid when I’d otherwise be day drinking. During down-time on set I’m able to watch tons of “Cheers”, read dozens of books, and meet great people from Liza Minelli and Annie Potts to other everyday folks like me. I’m not loving New York City much these days, but where else but here could I truly swing this odd balance of freelance entrepreneurial gadabout?*
*Seriously, tell me, because I’d like to move there.
Finished Season 4 of The Wire tonight and now I’m depressed and trolling for Wednesday’s Child looking for a kid to adopt like Petfinder.com. Except Petfinder.com is more user-friendly, updated and not filled with broken links. Poor kids. Time to get back to watching Cheers.
It’s like 2013 wants to make sure I keep pinching myself (or perhaps I’ve developed a disorder like trichotillomania or something) but this most lovely, fun, varied week will be capped off by the debut of Season three of Downton Abbey tonight at 9PM EST. (Search for “Masterpiece Classic” on your DVR rather than “Downton Abbey” if you want to tape it. Wish someone had told me that after very frustrating, confused searches over an entire week, so you’re welcome!)
New York Magazine outdid itself with an episode-by-episode breakdown of the past two seasons and major plot points for each character. I told my protégé Jeaniah that I was looking forward to the show tonight, and that I wasn’t sure she’d like it but that I love it. “It’s set in 1910s and ’20s in this big, beautiful mansion and all the ladies wear gorgeous dresses and jewelry and they all talk in British accents and…”
“And sip tea like this?” Jeaniah asked as she curtsied with an imaginary teacup with her pinky finger sticking up and a pompous look on her face.
Lest you think I’m all high falutin’, tonight I’m equally excited for the return of The Biggest Loser (or, as Christian calls it, “The Fattest Fatty”) and Jillian, one of the original and best trainers. I’ve cried during the opening sequence. Love seeing people work hard, tackle their demons and achieve goals. The show is at its worst when it lets it get too “reality TV” when contestants get hateful and let the color of money cloud their vision. Jillian keeps it real.
I’m sure Mob Wives would be more “yang” to the “yin” of Downton Abbey but my stomach churned at seeing a 10-second promo for it. That’s the best 10 seconds they’ve got? Shee-it, I can see that from my fire escape around 4:15 AM every Sunday morning when the Latin nightclub downstairs stops serving. You can do better, Tee Vee Producer. Tsk! Tsk!
On Friday, my good pal Liam McEneaney stopped by my apartment so I could record a few stories for his new podcast. I’m not sure when my spots will air, but I’ll post when they do. The podcast is part of his “Tell Your Friends” brand which includes awesome live shows (last night’s show had Gilbert Gottfried at the Bell House) and the feature-length documentary “Tell Your Friends! The Concert Film”.
The film is a beautifully shot and well-edited documentary on the alt comedy scene which stars my funny husband Christian Finnegan along with Janeane Garofalo, Jim Gaffigan, Kurt Braunohler & Kristen Schaal and so on and son on. You can stream it online, buy clips, the soundtrack or the whole thing at Amazon.com or iTunes and a few other places.
Check out the trailer here:
Happy anniversary to me! Christian was on Olbermann and gave me a shout out at the very end. Awww! Awesome and sweet!
I’m not as confident as the four panelists for the NY Post –one of whom was Christian– who all picked Adam Lambert to win. But I will be watching tonight and I’m kind of happy all my favorite shows are ending for the season. I really have too much going on to be wrapped up in Toddlers, Tiaras, Idols, and Survivors.
>In a pre-produced piece about Obama’s Leno appearance. He’s in the very last few seconds and they made a really strange choice in quotes. Anyway, here it is:
Christian was on Olbermann again on Wednesday night making it two nights in a row. Sweet! And Keith plugged Christian’s headlining appearances at Comix this weekend. Four shows, tonight & tomorrow. www.comixny.com. Meanwhile, here’s the video:
Christian on Olbermann with guest host David Schuster and Comix got two plugs from David. Nice!
My dog Paquita’s day is about to go from zero to AWESOME. She’ll run on a treadmill, drink wine, play dead & more in front a TV audience. Fatman Scoop & Shonda of MTV’s “Man & Wife” are shooting a talk show at Comix today and needed a small dog for a segment. Well, guess who got the gig? Ms. Paquita Borgito Borgato Chorizo Jimenez!
After nailing her lines during the filming of Christian’s “Au Contraire!” DVD extras (pictured at right on set with Christian and director Oren Brimer), her reputation of being a pro in front of the camera got around.
I hope she nails her scenes again today. Either way, we’ll get some great footage to add to her reel.
Eat her Pupperoni, Taco Bell Dog!
Last night’s Tex in the City First Friday Roundup was the most attended event in Tex in the City history. We raked in over $1,000 in sales and that’s not including any raffle stuff. Photos and a write up to come. Pencil in March 6th from 6:30 – 9:00 for the next one. Be sure to RSVP as might need tight security check in. We’ll see.
Next up is my annual Academy Awards viewing party. This free event has also grown every year with last year’s attendance at about 250 people. Christian will be out of town this year so my Tex in the City partner Scott Ramsey will be co-hosting. Tomorrow, after Paquita films her scenes for Christian’s DVD extras, she and I will head over to Scott’s place in the Village to brainstorm menu and drink names. Last year I had fun with “There Will be Bloody Marys” and “No Cosmo for Old Men.” This year’s menu and nominees are tougher, but I still have a few funny ones, I think.
But back to tomorrow’s filming. I’m really excited for Paquita’s film debut. Her picture has been in the Onion before but that was just a pose. For her scene, she has to perform about five of the fifteen plus tricks she knows all while sitting in a 1970s mod chair as she’s “interviewed” by Christian who will be in costume. I’ll take some photos throughout the day and post some online as a sneak peak.Stage mom.
Christian Finnegan’s hour long comedy special “Au Contraire!” will air on Comedy Central May 9th and the DVD hit stores May 12th!
Last night he was on Olbermann with guest host David Schuster and really hit a few homeruns cracking up Schuster:
Christian has Oren Briner lined up to direct his DVD extras which we’ll be filming on February 8th at College Humor’s studios. Paquita has been officially cast as the Chihuahua and my hope is that she doesn’t blow it. She’s in her fake pregnancy stage right now which will hopefully pass soon so she’s back to normal for the cameras. Though, fake pregnancy or not, she’ll do anything for a Pupperoni treat. We’ll see. The roles of the real life pole vaulter and sex shop worker have also been filled, so thanks to all who responded.More thrillingly, along with Oren, our friend Pete Holmes are finalists in the Doritos Crash the Superbowl Contest. This means they get to go to the Superbowl to see if their commercial wins in real-time. You can vote for their spot “New Flavor Pitch” (which features one of my favorite Ochi’s & Comix comedians Matt McCarthy) every day here: www.crashthesuperbowl.com/#/gallery/Voting also enters you to win tickets to the Super Bowl.
Katrina Bowden from “30 Rock” is our special guest tonight at Comix for Freestyle Love Supreme’s special charity shows to raise money for the Video Voice Project. I’ll be at both shows so say hello if you come by.
I’m filming a fun promo piece with Michelle Buteau where she’ll taste test three different key lime martinis made by our Comix bartenders and choose her favorite. The winner will be added to the specialy cocktail menu, too. I think it’s a fun way to promote comedians, the Comix staff and, of course, sell some booze. We’ll see how it turns out.
Meanwhile, the other thing I wrote, directed and starred in, aka The Fart Commercial, begins airing in NYC today. Fun! I can’t wait to see it at the gym while I’m on the treadmill. That’s the only time I see our commercials, without fail. I guess because it’s the only time where I’m on one channel for an hour with no remote control to click fast forward.
As expected, tonight’s First Time Caller screening is overbooked. Sorry, 300 seats simply weren’t enough to fill demand. (!!!) So, arrive early to get seating or cancel your RSVP if you can’t make it.
Things are going really well to the point I can hardly remember to breathe!
On the 15th, I’m taking her to this fundraiser at the Knitting Factory that will be FABULOUS! All proceeds benefit Seeds of Peace. Here are the details:
The Clip Joint! New School Comedy, Old School Style.
The Daily Show’s Lewis Black headlines this new monthly comedy/variety show at the Knitting Factory. Comics Matt O’Brien and Rory Albanese host Lewis, Jessi Klein, Christian Finnegan (VH1’s Best Week Ever) and other acts in a show that takes you back to the days when people got dressed up to go see comedy.*
Wednesday, December 15
The Knitting Factory
Main Performance Space
74 Leonard Street
New York City , NY 10013
8:30 PM – $15.00
My Coolest Years premieres this weekend on VH1. Christian Finnegan will appear in the episodes Summer Vacation and First Time, premiering Sunday, December 5th at 12:30 PM and Saturday, December 11th at 10:00 PM, respectively. Click here for additional air dates/times.
OH MY GAWD!!!
I just spoke to Christian about what to photo shop over the Comedy Central logo in the below pic for our Christmas Cards…his suggestion: Baby Jesus.
He’s going to hell! And I guess so am I since I’m totally going to do it!
If this Salon.com article is true, then woah!
UPDATE: Here’s the video. Strange.
There’s Always One.
Today I am participating in Lee’s National Denim Day benefiting the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation.
Yesterday my friend and everyone in her office received an email telling them they could participate (i.e., wear jeans to work today) if they donated $5.00. Seconds later, someone replied all, “Or you could dress like an adult and simple [sic] donate.”
What a dick. There’s nothing that makes me what to participate more than someone balking at the notion of participating. More interesting to me, though, is that this guy must have so much anti-social hate in his heart that he would just flop his dickishness out there for all to measure.
And, let me tell you, it’s huge.
Paris Hilton is popping up all over the small screen in guest roles. Now that I’m in serious PR mode, I’m going to make myself a sex tape. Then all I’ll need to do is get rich, semi-famous and release my “stolen” tape to the media. But, you gotta start somewhere so first things first!
Add to credits: Director
One of the perks of dating a “Best Week Ever” panelist (there are SO many, let me tell you!) is knowing what the topics will be ahead of time. Isn’t that exciting? This week there will be a bit about Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro’s reality show. I have no clue what it’s called and am too lazy to Google it. I’ve never even seen this Dave guy before. As a result, Christian caught a few minutes of their season finale last night. (Are those enough pre-emptive excuses for my watching a ridiculously masturbatory reality show for you?)
When I first caught a glimpse of him on my telly, the first thing that came to mind was “So, that’s what happened to the bearded lady!”
Seriously. He should shave.
Then he could endorse razors!
In between all the wild sex and makeout sessions, Christian (aka VH1 Poster Boy) and I took advantage of some free Loews movie action over Valentine’s Day weekend. Since you asked, here’s what I think:
Diane Keaton was positively luminous in Something’s Got to Give. She makes it look so easy being natural on camera. Of course, this is highlighted when acting opposite Keanu Reeves, but still…absolutely glowing.
Naomi Watts was great in 21 Grams. At moments the shrill shrieking rage fits were a bit much, but overall she does a great job of looking awful and sad and depressed.
Charlize Theron was utterly amazing in Monster. Never once did it seem like she was “acting”, nor did she rely on the makeup (superb) to do the work. She deserves the Oscar.
And then there’s me, who signed my first official (i.e., paying) client for Ballyhoo Promotions! Woo! By the way, thanks to those who gave me comments on the website. Although it is temporary, “temporary” could mean a long time. So, while it’s up, I would like for it to be useful, informative and easy to navigate. Please keep the comments and ideas coming.
Have a great weekend!
Christian got a job writing for Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn. He has been employed there for nearly a week, but didn’t let the cat out of the bag until today so now I can properly promote his new assignment. His first piece is tentatively scheduled to air tomorrow night on Comedy Central. Check your LOCAL listings, folks.
Mom, “folks” means you.
Watch Christian as an investigative reporter on Smoking Gun TV premiering this Wednesday at 8:30 PM on Court TV as he uncovers the truth behind the Girls Gone Wild litigation. Encore performances are Friday and Sunday nights, so check your local listings. Since you’ll need cable television, go out and get you some and bring yourself forth into this century.
If you missed it, you can see Addicted for free on Wednesday the 17th at 8:00PM. Follow the instructions from the last offer listed below and enjoy the show.
Kambri Crews Promotions, hmmm, nice ring.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not obsessed with this show, Average Joe, but I am ticked off. Apparently Mr. Average Joe was hiding a million dollar secret. The chick is now positively giddy. She hasn’t stop talking about it. News flash: If the “average” guy is a self-made millionaire, he ain’t average. Viewers got the shaft. $42,228 is the U.S. median household income!
Do as I say!
Go see Bad Santa.
Mystic River was okay. I hate it when I have the whole “mystery” figured out before I’ve finished eating my vat of buttery flavored topping. BUT, it was free and there were some memorable performances. Next up, Elf.
Attn: Liz Smith; Re: Will Work For Free
Before the movie, I dropped off an extra gift bag from the Ann Richards book launch party and a Tex in the City press kit for Liz Smith at the NY Post. I bet she loved it so much that she fondled the gifts ’til her tiny little fingerprints wore off. And my note? Well, it was so lovely, I bet she read it ’til the creases wore clean through. And me? Well, she was so impressed by my gesture and our press kit, I bet she repeated my name over and over ’til she lost her voice. I’m expecting an email any minute asking me to be her protege. Refresh, refresh, refresh. I’m serious, she is going to contact me. In honor of Liz’s book, Natural Blonde: A Memoir, I went to the salon and got “naturally” blonde with slight bangs. Perhaps I’ll snap a photo tonight.
Blonde and definitely having more fun.
I don’t get why other people can see great things in me and yet I can’t. My personality mirror must be broken. My own positive self image is a vampire to me. I can’t see the reflection despite everyone seeing its existence.
What’s worse than not seeing the good in yourself? Knowing what you want, but not being able to get it. Watching “Born Rich” made me want to kick Ivanka Trump off her tower and drown that Johnson & Johnson schmuck in a vat of hot baby oil. Give me three of your crappiest designer handbags to sell on Ebay so I can start my own theater space you whiny, self-interested pieces of spoiled diaper waste. It’s intense, this hatred of my present situation and those with trust funds.
So, with my broken personality mirror, I can only write negative things. Aren’t you lucky?
The un-fairest of them all.
This digitally animated alternative music show was so cool. Just don’t go there drunk. Have you ever felt so drunk that you had to put one foot on the ground to make your room/bed stop spinning? Well, that’s how I felt through some portions. It’s so wild to think you can get motion sickness sitting completely still.
Then I came home and tried to stay up late enough to figure out how the TV Guide can still be accurate despite the observance Daylight Savings Time. Once again, for the 32nd year in a row, I fell asleep and it all still remains a mystery to me. Just baffling.
Boy, that Cinderella story just keeps getting told over and over and over again. I just watched Maid in Manhattan (yes, I know, I know) and it was the same story verbatim, complete with two stepsister-like characters and all the little forest animals in the form of co-workers that helped put Cinderella together for the big ball. It seems in Hollywood the only thing needed to re-tell a story is a different box office beauty and change in backdrop. It makes me think I’m going about life and love all the wrong way. I need a beautiful dress and a demeaning job to snag a rich prince charming. Forget all this ambition and dating guys with no 401Ks — I’m such a fool!
The first time I watched Office Space, I thought it was okay, but a little slow. I think I was too deep in my real life “office space” to see the truth. I was too busy lying to myself about my day-to-day hell to recognize that Peter was me. Watching it now, I can laugh freely and know that the extra $30,000 a year I was making was never worth all that misery.
But wait . . . I’m still in an office every day. I guess having one that overlooks Rockefeller Center makes it less dreadful. Now if only I could not get shocked when I touch the metal door handle every morning. Argh!
Wow. There’s nothing like (a) seeing two acquaintances on stage accepting their second Emmy, (b) another two acquaintances giving birth to a new female human and (c) an old friend on a national television spot ALL IN ONE DAY to make me feel like (a) I have no goals, (b) no purpose and (c) no future. So, today I (a) made plans to drink and party for the entire weekend, (b) walked around in the cool air with a thin shirt and no jacket to validate my existence and (c) further guaranteed my job security by picking up Jack’s Viagra prescription and snagging two tickets to the Dave Matthews concert in Central Park for his kid. So much for goals, purpose and a future.
If You’re the Only One Laughing, You’re Probably Not Funny
Someone give Robin Williams a valium, please. Watching him chat with Joan Rivers had some very funny moments, but once you give him an inch of approval, he takes it a schtick too far. His most awkward quote was in reference to Gary Coleman. Robin screeched, “Honey, it’s the jockey at the door!” I’m sure he meant jockey as in diminutive horse rider and not the racist lawn decoration. Right? Right??! Eeeew. It was gross to watch. The crack had no point of reference. There it was wedged between a slam on Joan’s dress and a lame quip about the California Governor’s race. Ill-fitting and painful, just like his suit. He looks like a dazed priest.
Life is pleasantly uneventful which means I have nothing funny or interesting to say. Off to see Lost in Translation in Times Square. I hate that theater, but it’s close and is playing the movie which is in limited run. Hopefully its remarkably stellar Metacritic score will prove true unlike the overrated American Splendor. But, hey! You never know . . . I just might see another dead homeless guy.
Gene Rayburn: The electrician examined the 6 Million Dollar Man’s nether regions and said , “I’m sorry to report he’s ____.”
Richard Dawson: AC / DC — He goes both ways.
I love that it was the early 70s and stuff like this made it past the censors. (My answer, short circuited, garnered me two matches.)
Let me state a phrase: “Sex and the City”. Okay, study those words. Do you see the words tenderness or touching or sensitive or sad mixed in that title? NO! So, why on Sunday night did I find myself moved (albeit temporarily) during Sex and the City?
I do, however, see the words “sex” and “city”, let’s just keep it at that, okay? Sex and the City.
During a telephone conversation with Christian, I mentioned this absurd change in the normal programming. Christian immediately accused me of having the disease called PMS and said, “I am SO going to rag on you for this.” (Or something like that.) So, he makes one joke about me and suddenly I’m open game. This could spell disaster.
Tonight I went to see American Splendor. There were some terrific performances by some fine actors, but I just don’t get how it scored a 92 on Metacritic. Harvey Pekar’s comic book is basically a blog, only illustrated and stapled in the middle.
On the way to the theater, we saw a dead homeless guy. He was flanked by his sleeping friends and seemed to have died in a state of shock — his eyes opened abnormally wide, mouth gaping, cheeks sunken in — very strange to see. His friends were in for a rude awakening.
Update: A few people have chatted with me regarding the Brick House song and have informed me that the phrase is a shortened version of the slang referring to a hot woman as being “built like a brick sh*t house”. I assumed this as I am familiar with that slang, but I don’t understand why it’s to be considered a compliment. After all, brick or not, she’s still a sh*t house.
So, I didn’t stick around for the VMAs. (I did, however, take some photos of the carousel and stuff.) After dodging and darting through an ocean of teeny bopper boys and girls all set to go to college this year on Daddy’s dime, I realized I have no clue who most of the nominees are and don’t care. Frankly, I’m a numb-skull when it comes to music. I’m the same chick whom Sheila corrected at her luau. “I’m a believer!” turned out to be the Go Go’s “Our Lips are Sealed.” SAY WHAT?!?! Sheila was surprised at me, “It’s the Go Go’s! It’s the name of the song!”
Yeah, and they’re singing “I’m a Believer!” What don’t you get?! She’s making this sh*t up!
My ex-boyfriend from four years ago, Mark, who now lives in Orange County, California as though he’s retired (playing golf, biking, hiking…where’s the work, there Mr. Mark?!) insists that I’ve ruined his favorite Who? song forever because now when he hears, “Eminence Front” all he hears is “Lemonade Strut”. As he put it, “I should have pushed you out of the car.”
Finally, my friends in Columbus were mortified when, during an Ohio State pre-football game tailgate, I declared to anyone within earshot that the live band sucked because they didn’t know the lyrics to, “She’s a Freak, OW!” The band had the audacity to sing, “She’s a Brick House.” Whatever.
This giant carousel is right outside my boss’s window. MTV’s Moonman sits atop and giant paper mache heads of different musical stars (Madonna, Britney Spears, etc.) serve as each decorative seat. Really fun to see.
The red carpet on which everyone will walk is in what normally is the Channel Gardens in Rockefeller Center. This means my lobby will serve as backstage again as it usually does for the Tree Lighting Ceremony. Incidentally, my law firm is the only tenant in our 6-story building. This means that we employees and our security guards are all on a first name basis…it’s not like working in a giant conglomerate where no one knows or cares who you are. This translates into lots of free (read: illegal) access. So, tomorrow should be a very interesting and hectic day. Pre-show red carpet coverage starts at 6:30 EST. The News circle (I’ll snap a pic tomorrow) is literally steps from my door, so for those watching the awards tonight, you’ll see my building and possibly me hovering in the background.
Oh and what’s all this talk about love and stuff from Monday’s post? I was talking pure, unadulterated public sex in bleachers! I told Christian we looked like we had our photo taken at Olan Mills, he said, “What’s Olan Mills?” ACK! I promise to show you and you will know. Feathered bangs, missing teeth, Mom’s oversized tinted glasses permanently staring back into me. I shudder at the thought.