Truth in Advertising

Before the start of last night’s movie, they played a commercial for Cover Girl’s Outlast All-Day Lipcolor. The ad’s storyline followed that of “Cinderella”. Dressed in pink and wearing matching Pearl Shade lipcolor, Cinderella was envied by the other ball attendees, because even after ten hours and despite having kissed the bachelor of every girl’s desire, her lips still looked fabulous and flawlessly pink.

What a genius invention, but what does one (languid) kiss prove? I say for a genuine study fit for Consumer Reports, put that lipcolor on a porn star and let her go to town. The commercial might go something like this:

Cue funky, heavy beat background music.

Wide angle shot of a woman’s head bobbing up and down over the pelvic area of an insanely tanned male, her face obscured by strands of bleached blonde hair.

Man’s moans crescendo, then cut to close up of woman’s face looking up and smiling, a schmear of lipstick runs from her lips to her chin and cheeks. Cut to close up of man’s face. His facial expression changes from that of pleasure to disgust at the sight he sees.

Cue Voice Over: “Tired of embarrassing smudges and smears? Well, look no further. With CoverGirl’s Outlast All-Day Lipcolor your lipcolor can withstand the most demanding of dates.”

Return to same wide angle shot as before with the addition of a long line of men waiting their turn. After the man’s moans crescendo, close up of same blonde woman this time facing the camera. Her smile is big, her ruby red lipstick is perfect.

Cue Voice Over: “And the only thing out of place on your face won’t be your lipcolor. Easy Breezy CoverGirl!”