Yappy Hour Script

(Wo)Man’s Best Friend

by

Christian Finnegan & Kambri Crews

Originally performed by Christian, Kambri and Paquita in front of a live audience on “Yappy Hour” at UCB Theater on 11/1/10. And, yes, Paquita performed this exactly as scripted. Remarkable little girl.

~~~~~~

INT. ROOM
SFX: Sexy music

Kambri is laying on a bearskin rug, wearing a nightgown,
pouring herself a glass of wine. She spritzes perfume on
herself.
There is a knock at the door.

KAMBRI
Come in!
Pause.
KAMBRI (CONT’D)
I’ve been waiting for you.
Come to me, Paquita. Come to me now!

Paquita comes running in and leaps into Kambri’s arms.

KAMBRI (CONT’D)
Oh, I’ve waited so long. Kiss me,
you fool!

Kambri and Paquita kiss passionately.

KAMBRI (CONT’D)
No no stop! No need to rush. I want
to savor every moment of this. Have
some wine.

Paquita drinks from Kambri’s wine glass.

KAMBRI (CONT’D)
And can I offer you some…cheese?

Paquita perks up.

KAMBRI (CONT’D)
I knew you’d like that. But I’m
going to make you earn it, baby.
Let me take a look at you!

Kambri gets Paquita to “go around” and “roll over” a few
times, periodically feeding her cheese.

KAMBRI (CONT’D)
The way you move, it’s so sexy.
It’s like your some kind
of…animal! Not like my husband,
that pathetic little worm!
But he’s out of town on business,
which means we have the whole night
to ourselves. Isn’t that wonderful,
darling? High five!

Kambri and Paquita high five.

KAMBRI (CONT’D)
Enough with all these games. I want
you. But I need to know you want me
too! I need you to speak! Speak!
Paquita barks.

KAMBRI (CONT’D)
Oh, I can’t take all of this sexual
tension. Take me! Ravage me! Let’s
make our own gravy!!

Paquita starts humping Kambri’s arm. Kambri begins writhing
in sexual extasy.

KAMBRI (CONT’D)
Yes! Yes! Give it to me, my little
chorizo!

CHRISTIAN (O.S.)
Honey, I’m home!

Christian enters, wearing his jacket and carrying a
briefcase.

CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
Great news! I was able to close the
Mortensen deal, so I took an
earlier flight…

Christian stops, in shock. Paquita and Kambri continue their revelry, unaware.

CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
What…the…FUCK IS GOING ON
HERE??

Kambri snaps out of it and clutches Paquita to her chest.

KAMBRI
Christian? What are you doing home?
I…um…
CHRISTIAN
What is the meaning of this? My wife?
And my…BEST…FRIEND?

KAMBRI
Nothing! I mean, Paquita just came
by to…I mean…

CHRISTIAN
I knew something was going on!
After all I’ve done for you, this
is how you thank me? By two-timing
me with this little bitch?

KAMBRI
She’s twice the man you’ll ever be!
Yeah, that’s right–Paquita is my
lover. And she does things to me
you could never dream of? Don’t
you, Paquita honey?

Kambri and Paquita kiss.

CHRISTIAN
Stop it! Stop it! I can’t take this
anymore!

KAMBRI
Yeah, well what are you gonna do
about it? Ha ha ha! What a loser!
Right, Paquita?

Kambri cackles while she and Paquita high five and kiss.

CHRISTIAN
I can’t take it…can’t take it…

Christian slowly pulls out a gun (his hand). Kambri notices
and is mortified.

KAMBRI
Christian…? Where did you get
that? What are you doing?

CHRISTIAN
I’m a loser, huh?

KAMBRI
Christian, don’t! DON’T!

CHRISTIAN
If I can’t have you, no one will!
Die, you canine-loving whore!!!

Christian points his finger at Kambri and “shoots” her
repeatedly.

CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
BANG! BANG! BANG!

KAMBRI
NO!!!

Kambri writhes as if being shot.

KAMBRI (CONT’D)
(With her dying breath,)
Unh…unh…Good dog, Paquita.
Good…dog.
Kambri dies.

Pause.

CHRISTIAN
And you. You happy now, Paquita?
Was it worth it? Ruining my life,
just for a little bit of cheese?

Christian dangles a baggy of cheese. Paquita runs over.

CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
Look at you! Even now, it’s all you
can think about! You were supposed
to be my best friend! Well fine,
eat up.

Christian tosses her a morsel of cheese.

CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
Consider it your last meal…bitch.
Christian pulls out his “gun”, stoops down and…

CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
BANG!

Paquita plays dead. Christian keeps his gun on her for a few seconds, then looks away. Paquita gets up.

CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
Oh, still alive, are you? BANG!
BANG!

Paquita again plays dead. Again, she eventually gets up.

CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
WHY WON’T YOU DIE?? BANG! BANG!
BANG!

Paquita dies in Kambri’s arms.

THE END