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Cafe Wha? The Hell!

Y’all. Apparently Van Halen is playing Cafe Wha? in Greenwich Village right now and not a single one of you told me. Now how am I supposed to meet Diamond Dave if y’all keep failing me like this? I’ve got his bim bam banana pops right here!

I’m not there but some of my “friends” are. I say “friends” in quotes because they are dead to me now.*

To add insult to injury, Van Halen announced their tour dates and are playing the Garden on guess which night? MY FLIPPING BOOK RELEASE / PARTY NIGHT!

Oh Heavens, I curse thee for your cruel Gift of the Magi crap you’re pulling.

Looks like fans will be disappointed to see Sammy Hagar on stage because I am totally going to pull a Casey Anthony and chloroform Diamond Dave, stuff him in my trunk and bring him to my party. He might be dead but HE WILL BE THERE!

I’m actually tempted to switch the party to February 29th so Dave can attend. When I mentioned my idea to Christian he said, “It’s like I need to tell you there is no Santa Claus.” Pfft. Party pooper. He also totally gave me the green light to have sex with Dave (even though I never asked to and don’t think I’d want to) but if that makes Dave more excited about coming to my book party then, hey, let’s go for it. (I’m such a mensch.)
‎*Except for Larry Getlen. He’s there and he’s still my friend. But, Larry, don’t freak out, but I want to kill you and wear your skin so I can pretend to be you and get in to see them. Please tell me they were awesome and that Dave kicked butt.