I have teensy weensy itty bitty vestigial cajones. That’s what it boils down to. What is one to do with such useless appendages? Hey, I know! Who wants some teensy weensy itty bitty rocky mountain oysters? —Kambri connoisseur de boules
I have very important and shocking news for you: Spam is out of control! Apparently the mass majority of the human race is in dire need of Vicodin and penis enlargement. Why do so many men need this and why would they trust a spam email as their #1 source of information rather than, say, … More 10/27/2003
This digitally animated alternative music show was so cool. Just don’t go there drunk. Have you ever felt so drunk that you had to put one foot on the ground to make your room/bed stop spinning? Well, that’s how I felt through some portions. It’s so wild to think you can get motion sickness sitting … More 10/26/2003
My mid-life crisis all started with a broken heel. As I’m limping along, trying to look as though I belong on 5th Avenue office on which I work, I tried to convince myself that I matter in someone’s life — someone who is not a direct link in the hierarchy of successors in the event … More Mid-Life Crisis
After the longest week of work, I’ve sent Jack off to China. Stay tuned to CNN for any strange international incidents involving an obnoxious American. Trust me, in nine days Jack is bound to cause some newsworthy trouble. I filled numerous prescriptions to ensure he’ll enjoy himself during his meetings with the Ministers of Defense … More Jack in China
Many days I get lunch from Variety Cafe, a busy and overpriced deli with an enormous selection of anything and everything you could possibly want during lunchtime. Watch the Today Show on any given morning, and there it is. Today I overheard this chick request, “Yes, chicken noodle soup but only noodles, no chicken.” Umm … More Special Order
I’ve always been a hard worker and good at mechanical things. I can read maps and directions like no other person with a vagina. I’ve helped build decks, reshingled roofs, painted homes inside and out, built foundations, gardens, sewage lines, wired lights, refinished hardwood floors, I’ve repaired mechanical and constructional failures and assembled many complicated … More Flick of the Switch
While in Florida, Scott and Brian stayed at my place to babysit my menagerie of Phish, Larry Bird and Paquita. Before leaving, I took great pains to hide my *ahem* Valuables. I wouldn’t risk passing them through an x-ray machine at airport security (“Ma’am, please empty the contents of your bag”) and Christian was not … More Valuables
Pet Peeve Ladies, if you’re gonna walk around with erect nipples in a bra thin enough to display your wares (articles of commerce), please make sure your nipples are facing forward. I, like most people, prefer things in proper alignment. Thanks. Strange Bodily Thingy I have a zit inside my nostril. Is this even possible … More Coupla Things:
This month has been the strangest. Simultaneously full of disappointing let-downs and stagnant non-creativity, I’ve been productive and lazy and frustrated and motivated. I’ve repaired certain things in my apartment while letting my tub still be persistently clogged. I gave up on a September Tex in the City event while fostering others. I’ve lost interest … More Where O’ Where Did September Go?
Kambri Crews 