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>RKB & KC Interview – Unabridged

>Some of the questions posed by Rachel Kramer Bussel and my answers are below. Many of my answers are things I’ve posted on my blog before, so for regular readers it’s a bit redundant. Oh well.

RKB: How do you feel when he tells jokes about you onstage?

Me: My main concern is that the joke is funny. If all the jokes he ever said about me bombed, then he might become paranoid that being single was better for his comedy.

I’d be more worried if he never told a joke about me. Comedians get their material from their every day lives. If the topic of his girlfriend never came up, I’d wonder who in the room he was trying to screw.

The first time I heard him tell a joke about me, I had no idea he’d even written it. He just launched into, “I knew I wanted to date my girlfriend when…”

I immediately became a nervous giggler and laughed way too loud and long. I practically missed half of what he was saying. The gist of it was that he knew he wanted to date me when he found out my favorite band is AC/DC. As he tells it, “If a woman likes AC/DC, you know she likes to fuck. On the other hand, if she’s a fan of Sarah McLachlan then it would mean a lot of cuddling; a lot of blue balls.”

RKB: Does he bring his humor into the bedroom?

Me: I have found comedians to be supremely insecure people. If I started laughing at him in bed, he might never get it up again.

But post-sex and waking up naked in the morning is more fun. He does this thing where he pushes in my nipple like it’s a button and with each push my nipple makes a different sound e.g., a fog horn, air fart, elephant…The anticipation of what the next sound could possibly be becomes a ticklish, giddy expectation.

I never got that kind of unabashed silliness with any accountant I ever dated.

RKB: Is dating a comedian better/different than non-comedians?

Me: Assuming their career keeps growing, eventually they will travel a lot and anything in their daily life is a potential springboard for a joke.

During one afternoon while he was away, we engaged in phone sex and my call waiting beeped. It was a friend of mine who is really hard to get in touch with. I didn’t want to miss the call, so I clicked over.

I don’t know what I was thinking! It’s not as thought we were just flirting and talking dirty, we were in full-blown, hands-on-genitals phone sex and I took another call —- from a gay man.

Once I got back to Christian, we finished our “business” but then I started fretting. What if he makes a joke about this?

But I can’t go tiptoeing around life wondering if I’ll be the butt of a joke. Even if I tried to modify my behavior, eventually that would be too exhausting. Life would win out. The fact is, I’ll be a jackass worth ridiculing every now and then. Besides, part of what makes a joke funny is that people can somehow identify with it. I’m not so radically different from any other woman. When he’s making fun of “me” or “us,” he’s making a broad exaggeration poking fun about women and relationships in general. If I started hyper-examining those jokes, he would have no room for creativity.

RKB: Are you ever worried about groupies?

Me: Worried? No. Disgusted? Yes. They feed in to every stereotype about women who only like guys with certain power or earnings potential. How pathetic. Didn’t we liberate ourselves from this shit?

If, after watching Christian perform his set (which includes much information about me, his live-in girlfriend), a woman is still compelled to come on to Christian, well, she’s just guaranteed herself a spot on my HOMICIDAL KILLING SPREE TO DO LIST:

1. Buy hatchet, bread, rope, duct tape, toilet paper, eggs.
2. Chop up the whores who try to fuck my man.
3. Get rid of hatchet.
4. 8:00 show at Caroline’s

RKB: How does it feel to be dating someone who is on TV and recognizable to the public?

99% of the time it’s fun. I am so immensely proud of him and his accomplishments and for him to get spotted on the street just affirms that his talent and hard work is being recognized.

Then there’s that 1% that makes me embarrassed for our society.

For instance, during a trip to DC we went to the National Archives and were mobbed by groups of these teen ‘delegates’ in town for the inauguration. We’re standing next to the Emancipation Proclamation and they’re taking flash photography, which is against the law and damaging to historical documents. These cream-of-the-crop kids were more interested in a guy who makes fun of Lindsay Lohan’s breast implants than the document that ensured black people their freedom.

RKB: Are there things someone (guy or girl) should know about dating a comedian before they embark on a relationship with one?

Me: Be flexible with what you consider a “date” and their overall wacky schedules. I happen to like meeting new people and going out to see shows, so sometimes our date night is dinner, him performing a set then just hanging out at the venue afterwards. If that doesn’t sound appealing to you, then don’t date a comedian. Being in the clubs and around other performers is an integral part of their career growth.

Also, if you’re in a room full of comedians, chances are you are one, maybe two, degrees away from anyone your comedian lover has either fucked or made out with. They’re an incestuous bunch.

Well, that was fun. Thanks, Rachel!