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Tempting Fate

Tonight’s the night. I’m gonna pretend to like children and know how to waltz as I play “Belle” to a bunch of little kids who actually believe in that fairy tale shit that Disney sells. I fast forwarded through the movie during my lunch break and learned that Belle’s Papa, as she calls him, was an inventor and therefore considered to be the town nut and that girls who read are considered odd and should find “better things to do with their time.” Nice message there, Walt.

So tonight, as I make my way through what promises to be the two longest hours of my life at the Times Square Toys R’ Us, my turkey is thawing. Yep, you read that right “my turkey”. You know what this means? Christian and I will be getting salmonella after eating my first ever Thanksgiving dinner. I’m actually kind of excited about my attempts and we went grocery shopping together to make it more of a joint venture. He is determined to help prepare something, so I gave him my mother’s “Watergate Salad” recipe and the ingredients. This salad is quite possibly the easiest, cheapest, most trailer trash thing ever, but I’ve had to give him instructions and reassurance several times.

“So I just put it in a bowl and stir?”
“Yes! Just dump everything in. Don’t think about it. Don’t chop or cut anything. Just stir.”

It’s almost as painful as teaching Jack how to copy and paste on the computer. I need to record the instructions for later use. “Open the can, dump the contents, open the box, dump the contents, open the bowl, dump the contents, open the bag, dump the contents. Stir!”

Just dump it in a bowl and stir!