Birthday Wishes and Caviar Dreams

First, happy birthday to Bob. Long time, no see.

My dad’s birthday fast approaches. Let me tell you, there simply are not enough cards for fathers in jail.

I settled on one that said something about how a dad’s love means so much to little girls and big girls, too. That seemed innocuous enough. I mean, he does love me, and that’s gotta count for something, right? How much it really means to me (a big girl, for those in doubt), I don’t know, but Hallmark needs to pick up the ball on this shameful void.

Per his request in his most recent letter, I purchased him 60 weeks of USA Today. He says, “You kow that USA [Today] is best news in the world.” Whatever you say, Dad, your subscription starts tomorrow.

Fun Father Fact: His parting advice to me on first dates,”Don’t fuck.”

—Kambri
Verbatim quote. No lie.