Carl0s Menc*a – Party Crasher

So I’m with my husband Christian here in Columbus, Ohio where he’s headlining the Funny Bone. Great club, sold out shows and gorgeous weather so we’re having a nice time. We were told Carl0s Men*ia is performing free show(s) at OSU so we’re pleased that the crowds are still packed with Christian’s target demo.

In the middle of Christian’s third and last set at last night’s late show, I see the manager beckon the emcee, Ryan. Ryan comes over and tells me Carl0s showed up and wants to do some time. I immediately get flush with anger. Not because of a guest set but because, well, you know…it’s Carl0s Menci*.

I wished there was some bat symbol I could have flashed to alert Christian to the danger. Carl0s and I found ourselves in awkward silence at the door leading to the stage; because, rather than smile and say hello, I shot him my most evil “Fu*k you with a splintery rolling pin” look and waited for Christian to exit. Christian came through the door and Carl0s hastily shook his hand and said, “They asked me to do some time.”

Really? They “asked” you and your 12 person entourage (no joke) to drive 30 minutes from OSU campus to do time at 1:00 in the morning? Really?

The manager seemed shocked and distressed that he was there. The kitchen and bar had officially closed. Hardly the right move if they had asked him to drop in. Just be honest and say, “Hey, thanks man…I just wanted some extra stage time.” But as a known joke stealer, honesty isn’t one of his strong suits.

But he did have some A-list new material to work out: His midget friend stripping for a bachelorette, for instance, plus *three* musical cues to time out.

We would have just left for the night but I had friends in the audience so we were forced to wait for Carl0s’ set to be over. As I fumed, some chick from his entourage came over and said to Christian, “You kind of look like the guy from Best Week Ever.”

Christian was, of course, gracious and deferential as he always is. I, however, almost stabbed her in the throat with my fork. She saw my resurrected splintery rolling pin look and asked if everything was okay.

“No. No it’s not,” I said. “He ‘looks’ like the guy on the poster in front of the club…you know, promoting the show that just got hijacked.”

She just slinked away. I hoped she would relay the info to Carl0s but I never saw them talk. Carl0s never talked to Christian afterwards either. I know that if it were most anyone else, it would have been a nice cap to the end of the night. But Carl0s Menc*a? Buzz kill.

—Kambri
Three music cues and a midget = definition of “hack”.