>Goodbye, Jack

>After four years of working with Jack, I just submitted my resignation. I’ll miss him and his inappropriate “gospel,” but I’m devoting more time to myself and Ballyhoo. He was sad to see me leave but expressed happiness for me by saying, “Of course I’m excited for you. I wouldn’t be a good friend if I weren’t.” Awesome.

Here are some old posts of my favorite “Gospel of Jack” in no particular order:

• Me: Sorry I can’t do lunch, I’m off to the Denist.
  Jack: That’s okay, I’m just happy to hear you’re getting drilled.
• I walked into Jack’s office this morning not realizing he was on the phone. He gave me the “shush” sign and continued with his converstaion. “Sex parties?” Pause. “Do I have to bring my wife?” Pause. “Really?”
• Today is my first day in the office since last Wednesday. Upon seeing me, Jack screamed in agony, “THANK GOD YOU’RE BACK! Never in my whole life did I think I would be this happy to see one woman.”
• Jack to Governor Ann Richards, a reformed alcoholic: “Hey lady, move out of the way, some people are trying to get a drink.”
• Jack: Let’s go to lunch.
  Guy: Can’t. I’m going to the chiropractor.
  Jack: Great! Have them line up your brain with your mouth.
• Jack “negotiating” with an adverse party: “Do you see the words ‘Charitable Contribution’ after my name? Fu*k no!”
• Jack happened to walk up behind me just as I was holding my hands out trying to get a visual measurement of what is approximately two feet. Noticing my actions he quipped, “That’s me before Viagra.”
• After Jack made a lewd comment about a slightly chubby woman wearing an awkwardly small skirt in a voice loud enough she could hear, I asked Jack, “Have you ever been punched?” His reply? “Yeah. Once. In a boxing match.”
• A Summarized Story as Told by Jack: “Have you seen Jimmy’s new joke? Jimmy has this letter written by a man whose wife ran off unexpectedly. In the letter he begs his wife to return to him. She writes back saying she won’t be coming home as she is in Borneo and has found happiness and sends him a photo for proof. The picture shows her wrapped around a native with a schlong this big (gestures a size of about two feet long).

  So Jimmy has been running around the office showing everyone this joke. Can you believe that? In the office!? I mean, how juvenile! Grow up! But what I really want to know is, how did Jimmy get a picture of my di*k?”

• After a long weekend, Jack came in declaring, “Put away the women, children, goats and sheep, I’m back after a weekend with my wife!”
• Actual cell phone conversation with Jack:
  Me: “You’re echoing. We must have a bad connection. Can you move outside to get better reception?”
  Jack: “No, I’m in the bathroom.”
• Mike: He’s your typical smart, arrogant, smug guy.
  Jack: I can’t stand people like that. I mean really, they think they know everything, they’re high maintenance; I’m glad I don’t know anyone like that.
• “Harvey is the luckiest man alive. His wife got kicked by a horse and died.”

—Kambri
Onward and (hopefully) upward!