>The Best of the Gospel of Jack

>Here are some old posts of my favorite “Jack” moments.  For those who don’t know “Jack” is a pseudonym for a man I see nearly daily in my office.  Although he is aware that I relay his quips online, I will not divulge his true identity.

In no particular order:

• Today is my first day in the office since last Wednesday.  Upon seeing me, Jack screamed in agony, “THANK GOD YOU’RE BACK! Never in my whole life did I think I would be this happy to see one woman.”
• Jack to Governor Ann Richards, a reformed alcoholic: “Hey lady, move out of the way, some people are trying to get a drink.”
• Jack:  Let’s go to lunch.
  
  Guy:  Can’t. I’m going to the chiropractor.
  
  Jack: Great! Have them line up your brain with your mouth.

• Jack “negotiating” with an adverse party:  “Do you see the words ‘Charitable Contribution’ after my name? Fu*k no!”
• Jack happened to walk up behind me just as I was holding my hands out trying to get a visual measurement of what is approximately two feet.  Noticing my actions he quipped, “That’s me before Viagra.” 
• After Jack made a lewd comment about a slightly chubby woman wearing an awkwardly small skirt in a voice loud enough she could hear, I asked Jack, “Have you ever been punched?” His reply? “Yeah. Once. In a boxing match.”
• Jack to me on a particular cold day in the office: “Do you need a jacket, or, say, a bra?”
• A Summarized Story as Told by Jack:  “Have you seen Jimmy’s new joke? Jimmy has this letter written by a man whose wife ran off unexpectedly. In the letter he begs his wife to return to him. She writes back saying she won’t be coming home as she is in Borneo and has found happiness and sends him a photo for proof. The picture shows her wrapped around a native with a schlong this big (gestures a size of about two feet long). 

  So Jimmy has been running around the office showing everyone this joke. Can you believe that? In the office!?  I mean, how juvenile! Grow up!  But what I really want to know is, how did Jimmy get a picture of my di*k?”

• Recapping the events of a gala we attended the previous night, Jack and I shared these words:

  Jack: “You looked terrific, too, by the way.”
  
  Me: “Thank you.”
  
  Jack: “Even my wife kept saying ‘Kambri looks so glamorous,’ and ‘I didn’t know Kambri was so glamorous.’ I told her, ‘See what regular sex can do for you? You ought to try it some time.'”

• After a long weekend, Jack came in declaring, “Put away the women, children, goats and sheep, I’m back after a weekend with my wife!”
• Actual cell phone conversation with Jack:
  
  Me: “You’re echoing. We must have a bad connection. Can you move outside to get better reception?”
  
  Jack: “No, I’m in the bathroom.”

• Mike: He’s your typical smart, arrogant, smug guy.
  
  Jack: I can’t stand people like that. I mean really, they think they know everything, they’re high maintenance; I’m glad I don’t know anyone like that.

• Jack:  “Harvey is the luckiest man alive. His wife got kicked by a horse and died.”
• Jack: “My pharmasict won’t give me anymore Viagra till next week. Not that I need it or anything; it’s more like a toy. I feel like I’m twelve years old again getting blow jobs at the Lincoln Tunnel. I can’t get a blow job from my wife to save my life. So I cut the pill in half and give her the bigger piece, of course. Then I get a blow job and I’m like, “Blech!” So I put a bid in on Harvey’s horse. Turns out Harvey’s luckier than I thought, this horse is gonna fetch him millions!”
  

—Kambri

Quite possibly the longest entry I’ve ever published!